Elephant in the room

We need to talk...about the elephant in the room.  Tigers have now played 2 games in Tampa Bay and there is something glaring about the Rays.  No, it's not the stadium, or the annoying fans (sounds like they bring those really annoying horns common in soccer games.  No wonder their stadium is so empty).  It's Luke Scott's facial hair.

Rario started out calling it jawburns.  What is this?  Community?  (shout out to Starburns)

Then, via Twitter, they declared Scott's facial hair "mutton chops."  I don't think that's quite right though.  Mutton chops don't connect down below, as in Wolverine.

So, what can we call this monstrosity that lives on Luke Scott's face?  I think the best way to describe it is...the Reverse Goatee.  Think about it.  His facial hair is everywhere BUT where a typical male would grow a goatee.  Thus, the Reverse Goatee is born.  Thank goodness In-Gee never thought of this when he was on the Tigs.  You're on watch Peralta.  Don't get any ideas.

Everything is hot

The high today was 97.  It was hot in Texas.  The Tigers had hot bats last night too.  Last night was a hard game to watch because the Tigers were hitting so well (like they should be), but the Tigers pitchers were equally getting knocked around.  Dougie Fresh...I don't even know what to say.  You are my Tiger.  I back you up 100%, but you are setting me up for ridicule. 

I think the turning point last night was when Soft J delivered with runners in scoring position with a double down the third baseline.  This is something that all the Tigers have been struggling with, but especially Peralta, BBoesch, and Young.  I hate to watch a lose, but I love watching hits, runs, and progress.  Tigers pitching...you boys better get it together.  Can't blame it on no run support this time.

Tribute to the socks

Science says the best way to break out of a slump is to change something about your appearance.  The "go to" change is to roll up those pants and hike the socks over them.  I've always been a fan of the high socks look and, frankly, think it should be mandatory as part of the uniform.  It's hot.  It's a great way to show off some smoking calf muscles.  And since there is never an excuse for stirrup pants (right Kurt Hummel?) this is a great way to cover them.

Suckburn was changing things up the other day and had his socks pulled way up.  Rod thinks that high socks make you look faster.  I think that's a pretty optimistic outlook on things, but who am I to disagree with the great Rod Allen?  So, in honor of the best fashion statement in the majors, here is a tribute to high socks and then men that wear them oh so well.

Where have you gone, Curtis Granderson?  The Tiger nation really misses you.  Woo woo woo.

Shhh.  Miguel doesn't wear his socks high all the time but when he does it's so good.

Ichiro says that everyone in Japan wears their pants this way.

I can post a Rangers player only if they agree to let us take this series.  Deal Ian?

 Don Kelly wears his socks old school style.  Must be why Smokes likes him so much.

In fact, the other part of the NKOTB boys wears his socks high too!

So here is my plea to the rest of MLB players.  Please wear your socks high.  This especially goes out to Joe Mauer,  BBoesch, Verdiggity, and Derek Jeter.  I'd even be down for the boys to wear them as JV sports them below.

The Tigers scored 5 runs in the first inning against the Rangers and batted around the order.  I had to check my pulse to make sure I didn't die or hallucinate this.  I don't know who this team is, but I like it!

Pep talk

Tigers are 34-35, which means the elusive .500 is only one win away.  The starting pitcher who could lead us to victory?  Dougie Fresh.  So, to get him psyched to get the job done, I've decided to give him a little pep talk.

Tigress:  Hi Dougie.  Can I ask you a question?
Dougie: No, I will not teach you how to Dougie.  Please stop asking me.
Tigress: No no, that's not what I was going to ask.  Do you have what it takes to get the W tonight?
Dougie:  Well, I'm not sure.  I'm still a little tentative since being on the DL twice this season and people are pretty hungry for .500.  I'm nervous.
Tigress: Oh Dougie, you silly neener head.  Don't be nervous!  You are DOUG WILDES FISTER.  Even though you are only 1-3 this year, you've had some very productive starts.  Take last start versus the Rockies.  Six innings, only 3 hits, one walk, and six strikeouts.  Not only that, you looked awesome doing it.
Dougie: You have a point there.
Tigress: Plus, the Tiger bats have actually woken up and the boys have a little FIRE in them.  I mean, how can you not get excited watching Tigerberry get the walk off hit the other day. 
Dougie: Ya, that guy is crazy.
Tigress: His energy is infectious!  So, what do you say Dougie Fresh, are you ready for some "lights out, Doug Fister quality pitching" worthy of your current 2.68 ERA?
Dougie: Ya, I'm ready.  Thanks for the pep talk.  Also, you look very angelic today.
Tigress: Oh Dougie, stop flirting.  Ok, let's go to!

Dream Job

Sister Tigress made the following Facebook post today:

while I enjoy summer, I'm glad my occupation is not "mascot for a professional outdoor sporting team" because that would suck today

This got me thinking about my dream job, which I've thought about before this day.  No, it's not being a mascot.  It's being a bullpen catcher.  Is there anything as sweet as being a bullpen catcher?  Little to no responsibility, get to travel the states, get to hang out with the team, work for 3-4 hours each day.  Sign me up!  Of course, professional blogger is probably more in my talent realm, but no one said you had to be talented to be a bullpen catcher.

Go Tigs!  Beat the Cards.  I'd gladly be the bullpen catcher for Ricky P any day of the week.

Game face

Get your game face on Tigers.  Tigs are playing St. Louis, who the Tigers are notoriously terrible against.  Tigers are only 2.5 games behind the White Sox and have actually been taking series.  So, to get ready for this series versus the Cardinals, here are some Tigers showing their best game faces.

First up, JV, who is pitching today.

 How about Dougie Fresh, the fresh stands for "fresh off the DL."

Next is Jacob Turner who is pitching on Thursday against the Birds.

AJacks has some serious game face on now from the lead off position.  This is his GQ game face.

Jhonny is really in game mode.

And last but not least, Smokes himself.  He borrowed some sunglasses from Santiago.

Hopefully Smokes got some tips from his old buddy Tony.

My Not FSN Reporter

I think it's clear that I have an affinity for Rario.  They are a great broadcasting duo.  For every bit that Rod is ridiculous, Mario is there to balance him out with his sensibility.  Then, when Mario is feeling goofy, Rod just laughs and acts like the one with his wits about him.

The FSN Detroit group in general is pretty solid.  Ryan Field delivers some interesting on field reporting, Trevor Thompson quoted Anchorman during his warm ups, and John Keating is THE man.  There's only one weak link.  The Suckburn of the FSN Detroit group if you will.  That person is Shannon Hogan.

In general, she talks too loud, but it's not really her fault the quality of stuff she's given to report on.  However, her overall delivery and enthusiasm for strange things is what's really troublesome.  On Friday night, Shannon was assigned the task of peeking in on a guy who was proposing to his girlfriend.  This isn't the first time this has ever happened in the history of sports.  It happens more frequently than it should actually (I can't imagine anything less romantic than getting engaged in front of 40,000 people, but hey to each his own).  Shannon was FAR too excited about the whole ordeal though.  She said something to the effect of, "Ever since I started working here 5 years ago, I've waited for this moment."  Really?  Not a World Series win?  Not a walk off home run in the 9th to win an ALCS?  Nope.  A proposal.  In fact, Shannon tried to get two other people to get engaged earlier in the year and made it awkward sandwich for the poor couple that had only been dating for 2 years.  Don't force this on people Shannon! 

It's this that makes Shannon My Not FSN Reporter.  Although maybe now that she's seen a proposal, she'll stop freaking out.

Go Tigers, take the series today!

Rario's Sponsor

Everything in sports now is sponsored by something.  Comerica Park.  AT&T Trivia question.  Miller Lite Cold Blast.  Bell Tire Pitch by Pitch.  If you're a devote reader, you already know about JV's commercial ventures and if you watch even one Tiger game on FSN, you already know that Rod has done a couple Ace Hardware commercials.  But so far, no one has come forward to sponsor the broadcasting team of Rario.  Well, I have a suggestion.  Last night while falling asleep to the Dan Patrick Show, I saw an infomercial for SlimT.

Basically, it's a girdle (or spanx) for men.  I mean, women have been doing this for hundreds of years, so really it's about time.  I also wasn't surprised that I hadn't seen this infomercial until I was watching late night sports TV.  I definitely never saw this commercial on the Hallmark Channel.

I will just put this little disclaimer.  Don't give up guys!  Keep doing those sit ups!  However, since women do the same thing, I guess I can't complain.  Just be aware that at some point, your clothes will come off in front of the ladies.  Just saying.  It'd be creepy to keep the SlimT on all the time.

If you haven't put two and two together by now, let me do the math for you.  SlimT is the natural sponsor for Rario.  They are OBSESSED with their weight and what they eat.  In fact, I feel like they could incorporate it right into the broadcast.  For example:

Mario: And a pop up to the 2nd baseman and Raburn is retired.
Rod: I see another trip down I75 in his future.
Mario: Right you are.  You know, Toledo has a really delicious restaurant with authentic Ohio food.
Rod: Really?!  I'll have to hit that up with my Road Dawg the next time we are down there.
Mario:  I could go.
Rod: No no, John Keating is the man.
Mario: Good point. Well, I do have something you and Keating could use after that Ohio soul food meal.
Rod: What's that partner?
Mario: It's the SlimT, for looking good when you don't have time to hit the gym like you should.  Guaranteed to drop two pants sizes, instantly!  Who doesn't need that?
Rod: Tom Brookens.  That man is fit.
Mario: No doubt.  In fact, I think I'll go online and order one now.
Rod: Oh I'm already wearing one.
Mario: You are?
Rod: Without question.  Take a look.

Mario: Looking good.
Rod: Oh for sure.  SlimT, man up and get one.  And now let's throw it back to the Call Sam Studios to check out C-Mo in his SlimT.


Now that's a piece of cheese.

Summertime

Summer, summer, summertime

time to sit back and unwind



Here it is the groove, Thursday afternoon

The best month of the year, June!

Just a little somethin' to break the monotony

No more school and you’ve got to be

jealous of me, just a little bit

My life is the dream and I’m living it.

Give me a Tiger game, a beer

and Dougie Fresh, he’s My Tiger, so dear

and think of the seasons of the past

Adjust the dial  and let Rario’s voice blast.

Pop open a beer, slice up a lime

and put on my Tiger shirt and lay back cause this is summertime.

Now that's it's summer break too, Raburn is back on the Tigers and has already got an RBI and then got out on a stupid running error.  Typical.  Plan next year Smokes, keep him at home until the kiddies get out of school!  Now if Dougie Fresh can just get healthy!

Bboesch: Campaign for Lead Tiger

Bboesch is officially throwing his name into the ring for the Lead Tiger role (team captain if you will).  He's trying to impress all the fans in Wrigleyville by putting on a clinic in both hitting and fielding (ya right).  Surprisingly, I couldn't find a picture of Bboesch's amazing, diving catch, but I could find a picture of him bobbling a ball earlier in the game.

The hilarious thing about his diving catch was that he stayed on the ground for a full minute.  Bboesch was soaking it in.  I'm sure he was thinking, "So this is what AJacks feels like when he makes an amazing catch!"

Bboesch's real skills lay in his hitting abilities.  He's finally getting "warmed up" as Sister Tigress would say.  After his dinger, Bboesch was so excited that he tried to make up his own little handshake with Cabby and become part of the Bash Brothers.  Kind of like when Kenny Wu became the third Bash Brother (Wu Wu Wu, Kenny Wu).  Pictorial evidence below:

BBoesch: (internal dialogue)- Man I am so cool!  I'm in.  Wu Wu WU!
Cabby: (internal dialogue)- What's this kid doing?

My advice to Bboesch, don't try and join the Bash Brothers.  Make your own posse.  Tigerberry is DYING to be part of a posse too.  You guys could be the three amigos (AJacks has to agree), or the three Tigerteers, or Jem and the Holograms (just throwing that one out there).

All while this was happening, Soft J was quietly putting together a nice game as well.  He was 3-4 with a double and triple!  He's not flashy though.  He's more of a silent leader.

I'm so glad he was able to put together a good game after his AWFUL fielding day yesterday.  If these two boys can stay hot, the Tigers can only do great things.

Why not?

A quick word to soft J...my friend Jhonny.  Congrats on the twin girls, welcome back, good job hitting better in the month of June, but you need to spend some time on the field this week taking some grounders.  At this point, I'm really glad you aren't My Tiger, because I'd be getting a lot of crap right now from my fellow Tiger fans.  AJacks on the other hand, is so clutch despite not winning the title of My Tiger.  I'll make him my backup since Fister has been less than healthy.

Good, I'm glad that's off my chest.  Now, on to my actual point today.

Can we give Danny Worth a solid chance at playing 2nd base everyday?  I mean, why not?  His fielding is the best out of the 10 (OK, probably more like 4) 2nd basemen on the team.  He certainly has more consistent throws to 1st than Jhonny.  That's not saying much though.  His hitting has started up, which is happening for a lot of other Tigers too.  So, come on, let's give him a chance!  I know I was just clamoring for Tigerberry to get the job, but with Dirks being unhealthy and the strong possibility of a Delmon trade (you know they are thinking it), we probably need him for outfield.

One more piece of logic for you.  Mario hates country music.  Ipso facto, he hates Ryan Raburn.

Hottness in the NL

The Tigers took a series.

I'm going to let that sink in a little.

Even more surprising, I would say it was Bboesch that really got the clutch hit when he needed too (2nd place goes to AJacks, but we've come to expect great things from him).

Even more MORE surprising?  Benoit and Valverde delivered in the 8th and 9th!  This is the team that people thought would run away with the AL Central.

So, in honor of a Tiger series win, continuing inter-league play, an off day, and because all of my faithful readers ask me about it (OK, one person asked), I'm going to delve into the...Hottest Men of the National League!  Now, the last time I did this for the AL, I didn't have a "system" per se.  So this time, I wanted to have a process.  I used the All Star ballot as a guide.  A tiny picture of each player pops up when you select him.  If he was dazzling enough in small form, then I did a search for a larger image.  I ordered things from there.  So, without further ado...

1st base- Overall, not bad looking guys.  Actually, I think this is a vast improvement over the mugs at 1st base in the AL.
Boiling Point- Paul Goldschmidt (Arizona)

Sizzling- Joey Votto (Cincinnati)  He's the Italian Stallion of the new era.

Fever- Gaby Sanchez (Miami)

2nd base
Boiling point- Neil Walker (Pittsburgh)- What's he indicating the size of?

Sizzling- Brandon Phillips (Cincinnati)- What's he indicating the size of?  It's not as big as Neil's.

Fever- Aaron Hill (Arizona)- He doesn't need to brag.

Shortstop- I think it's a universal truth that shortstops are not only the captains of the infield, but also the stud muffins of the team.

Boiling Point- Ruben Tejada (New York)- Meet the Mets, step right up and greet the Mets...OK!

Sizzling- Brandon Crawford (San Fran)- I'm loving the upside down Oakleys on his hat.

Fever- Zack Cozart (Cincinnati)- Upside down sunglasses must be a trend.  I want in on this!

3rd base- They don't call it the HOT corner for nothing!

Boiling Point- Chris Nelson (Colorado)- He's going for the bad boy look.

Sizzling- Hanley Rameriz (Miami)- I think you look "A-OK" too.

Fever- David Freese (St. Louis)- Part of his appeal is his last name.  If we had kids together I'd name one of them "Tasty" and one of the "Arctic."

Catcher- Let's just say that these guys wear a mask for a reason.  There is one guarantee with catchers though, amazing leg muscles.

 

Boiling Point- Yadier Molina (St. Louis)

 

Sizzling- Josh Thole (New York)

Fever- Jason Castro (Houston)

Outfielders- I'll pick six here.  In the All Star Game, three center fielders could start.  Crazy, I know.  Instead of fighting the logic, I'm just going to roll with it.

Boiling Point- David DeJesus (Chicago)- He's sexy and he knows it.  That might be an issue.

Boiling Point 2- Alex Presley (Pittsburgh)- He looks like a boy I might have tortured in kindergarten.  You know, old school flirting...gum in the hair, notes on his back.  Actually, my tactics haven't changed that much.

Sizzling- Giancarlo Stanton (Miami)- Seriously, I'm jumping on the Oakley website next and getting some sunglasses.  I wonder if they come upside down or if you have to place them that way.

Sizzling 2- Brian Bogusevic (Houston)- He has a neck like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast!  He can flex his neck and break a belt that is attached.

Fever- Dexter Fowler (Colorado)-  A chick walks by you wish you could sex her

But you're standin on the wall like you was PoinDexter

Fever 2- Carlos Beltran- An oldie but a goodie, and by oldie I mean he's 35.

So that's it folks!  Pitchers are going to have to wait for another day.  Pitchers have extra swagger that needs to be taken into consideration.

See you tomorrow at Wrigley!