4 days: People to meet

The Tigress is not going to opening day this year.  I'm going to see Cousin Tigress and well...it was just poor planning! (stop yelling at me!)  Five years ago, I was lucky enough to be able to purchase tickets to opening day.  This is before the virtual waiting room, when you just clicked on the "buy tickets" and the window either popped up or said they were busy.  I got tickets in the upper deck, first row.  As stated before, there's not really a bad seat in Comerica.

I took Sister Tigress as an early birthday present.  Unfortunately, I was still in school, but only went to my first class of the day.  This put us a little behind schedule though, and we didn't get to Detroit until the gates were already open at Comerica.  Translation: no pre-game drinks, which was unfortunate on opening day.  It seemed like everywhere we walked, it was just a huge party.  People were openly drinking on the street and no one seemed to mind!  If they could create some kind of Tigress time machine, I would go back in time and skip my class for the day (I'd also push the redo button for October 2006, but that's a different story). 

Mother Tigress wanted to know what Sister and I were going to do when we got to Detroit.  We told her we were "Going to meet some people."  "Who?"  "We don't know them yet!" 

That's the great thing about opening day.  Everyone was friends and having a good time.  I'm going back, someday.

4 more days...

5 days: Chili time

Going to a Tiger game isn't just a three hour expedition, it's an all day event...or it should be.  Detroit has done its darnedest to clean up the area surrounding Comerica and Ford to make going to a sporting event an all day family fun adventure.  You should take advantage and use it as an excuse to have a little fun and turn a baseball game into an all day party.

I believe there are two fields of thought for the pre-game snack and drink.  There is the HockeyTown crowd and the Cheli's Chili Bar crowd.  I'm proud to be a full fledged member of the Cheli's crowd.  I've honestly never had the chili, but that's not what the spirit of Cheli's is really about anyway.  It's about cramming as many people into the bar area downstairs until they open up the roof and allow everyone to spread out.  I've been in HockeyTown too.  It's nice, but there are many advantages to Cheli's, including charm and 5 flights of stairs.  Trust me, your going to want to burn as many calories as possible to fit the deep fried food and beer into your system.

One of the first times I went up to the roof, they were serving a Kalamazoo favorite, Bell's Oberon, straight from the keg.  It was glorious.  Oberon is meant to be enjoyed outside, why do you think they release it as a summer beer?  It's flavor is magnified proportionally to the amount of sunlight and the degrees Fahrenheit (no Celsius here, that's for Canadians). 

In fact, on that fateful first trip to Cheli's, the soon-to-be Mr. Tigress and I were sharing a picnic table with a couple east-side-of-the-staters and mentioned that we were from Oberon country.  They ended up buying us a piece of home in the form of a delicious wheat beer with an orange slice kicker.  Thanks friends!  This also proves that everyone at the Tiger games is friends...unless of course you are wearing the opposing team's shirt, or a Yankee hat.  You people aren't welcome.

Another time at Cheli's, we saw the man himself walking around in shorts and flip flops.  It was one of those moments where the entire rooftop did a collective head turn and just gawked at him until he left.  How could you not?  I don't even like hockey, but I know he was a pretty bad ass player.  Hockey players in general have the appearance of an old catcher-mitt like face and several fake teeth.  They also tend to be older because they can play longer than other athletes.  Hockey is also a goofy game because there is no real height advantage, probably why there's so many Canadian players.  The Internet claims that Cheli is 5' 11'', but I think that is a gross exaggeration.  I'd say he's 5'9'' if he's wearing his skates. 

Cheli's is also the best place to get a pre-game drink because of it's proximity to the stadium.  On days with free give-aways, you can easily scope out the line and know when to go down so that you can snag your free swag (stuff we all get). 

The real charm of Cheli's comes from the church behind it though.  As illustrated below, the 'o' is missing out of the "Methodist", creating the feel that you are in the "Central United Meth District."  Now that sounds like a fun place to party!  Also in the picture below, you can see the Tigress family!  I'm in the green and Sister Tigress is in the orange.

So plan on getting to the games at least 2 hours before the gates open for some pre-game fun.  Now, if only Cheli's would get on board and open up the roof several hours before game time.  Maybe if all of us get together and write strongly worded letters, we can make the dream happen.

5 more days...

6 days: The new rally cap

I love rituals and traditions in baseball, except the wave, that's not really a part of baseball.  Anything that distracts from the actual game is not something I can get on board with.  (Mascots are also on watch.)  My favorite baseball ritual is the rally cap.  Here is what the greatest information source (wikipedia) has to say about rally caps:

"A rally cap is a baseball cap worn while inside-out and backwards or in another unconventional manner by players or fans, in order to will a team into a come-from-behind rally late in the game. The rally cap is primarily a baseball superstition.  The belief behind the rally cap is generally to sacrifice a small amount of one's dignity in exchange for a little luck for one's team."

Personally, I don't agree with the last part.  I proudly sport my rally cap.  That's how you can distinguish the true sports fans from the lackluster ones.  Anyone willing to stretch out his hat a little bit in the name of runs is all right in my book.

Anyone can wear a rally cap though!  What happens if you forget your rally cap?  With the growing popularity of "rally towels" (thanks to the granddad of rally towels, the Terrible Towel), it's easy to create run production by either waving said rally towel, or by creating a makeshift rally cap WITH your rally towel.  I first thought of this genius idea during game 5 of the ALDS last year versus the Yankees.  I was at a local bar and didn't bring a hat.  When we needed some run production, I threw the towel on my head.  I figured, rally cap PLUS rally towel EQUALS more runs!  (I'm pretty sure my math is correct but you might want to recheck it).

For dog lovers, simply take a dog kerchief (or a doggerchief) and tie it around your dog's head.  Trust me, they love this.

Now, October in Michigan can get quite chilly.  So I had an idea.  I asked Sister Tigress to knit me a Tiger scarf (another jealous look I see).  While wearing said scarf, run production can be increased by creating a "rally babushka".  For those of you without Polish grandmothers, a babushka is a head scarf worn to keep ladies' hair in place on windy days.  It's also a fashion statement, and a hilarious word to say.  Babushka...

The rally babushka helped the Tigers CRUSH the Rangers during game 5 of the ALCS last year.  The babushka was responsible for BOTH of Delmon's home runs in that game.  This Tigress also used her hat to create a double rally cap/babushka for extra catalyst power.  So ladies, 2012 is the year of the babushka.  Better get yours now.  Not only is it functional for run production, but you never know how chilly it may get during any given month in Detroit.

6 more days...

Countdown to Opening Day: 7 days

In honor of one week to Opening Day (and spring break, hooray!), this Tigress will be counting down with some favorite Tiger and baseball memories. 

I've mentioned before that my love of baseball stems from numerous baseball games early on with my Aunt Tigress.  In honor of Aunt Tigress and her great influence on my baseball fascination, I'm doing a top 7, all time Aunt Tigress memory countdown.

#7- Aunt Tigress used to go to baseball games out of town and tell people that she was Travis Fryman's sister.  That's right, we'd be sitting in the upper deck, 15 rows back, and people believed her that she was a sister of a Tiger player.  Really?!  He couldn't spring for better seats for his sister?  Some people are so gullible.

#6- Aunt Tigress used to plop a map down in front of 10 year old Tigress (just like she plopped down a scorecard and expected me to figure it out) in downtown Detroit (somewhere off of Michigan or Trumball, wherever free parking was that day) and tell her to navigate us home.  I can't tell you how many times we got lost.  We ended up in some pretty shotty neighborhoods, but according to Aunt Tigress, this just made us get found faster!  I can say that with GPS, map reading is a lost art form.  Put this Tigress in the middle of any city and give her a map though, and she'd find us the nearest highway. Where is an application for the Amazing Race?

#5- Aunt Tigress and I attended the second to last game at Tiger Stadium.  She also attended the last game with brother and father Tiger, but I somehow got gypped out of this.  However, the second to last game has its benefits.  We happened to be scoping out right behind home plate (because they let you wander around at that park without giving you the third degree) and she happens to look over and see Mickey Lolich.  Now, a normal Tiger fan would know the name (he's a pitcher from the '68 team where he won in game 7 against Bob Gibson and the Cardinals...duh!) but not necessarily know what 60 year old Lolich looks like.  Aunt Tigress is not an average Tiger fan though.  She's THE Tiger fan.  I happened to score a Lolich signature on my "Best Tigers of All Time" poster, which they were giving away that day.  Unfortunately, this artifact is lost to the world...but its memory is with me always.

#4- Aunt Tigress and I (along with some cousins, an uncle, and aunt) attended the All Star Fest of 1997 in Cleveland.  This was my first experience with All Star festivities (I attended the game in Detroit in 2005...wipe that jealous look off your face).  I got a baseball card made (I was a catcher), played some awesome games, and saw some players.  It was awesome.

#3- In 1998, I went with Aunt Tigress (and the same crew of family) to Toronto to see a Blue Jays game and tour SkyDome (now Rogers Field...which is disappointing because SkyDome, all one word, is one of the sweetest names for a sports venue...ever).  This was my first tour of a baseball field and I would definitely do more!  Aunt Tigress also found out what hotel the opposing team was staying at and hung out in the lobby to try and see some players.  I think we also ate in the hotel restaurant for the same reason.  Why sight see in a new city when you can just hang out and hope to see baseball players?!

#2- Aunt Tigress and I toured Wrigley Field.  It was amazing!  We went behind the large, old scoreboard (yes I took the picture below!).  We went on the field.  We sat in the bleachers where many a drunk person has fallen on to the field.  As we stood on the field, Aunt Tigress sat down.  I thought maybe she was tired, or taking in the moment.  No, she was pulling grass and shoving it into her purse.  Like the good Tigress I am, I followed suit.  We would have taken some ivy too, but the tour guide fed us some crap about the ivy having pesticides on it.  For real fans, that doesn't stop us!

And the final Aunt Tigress moment....

#1- Aunt Tigress "met" Cecil Fielder (this is so appropriate for number 1 with the Tigers' recent acquisition).  I didn't meet him, I was just a little tyke of a Tigress, but I saw him!  He was a big guy.  Hell, he IS a big guy.  We were in Chicago (most of the Tiger/Tigress clan was there too) for a baseball card show.  We happen to be in the hotel where the show was being held and saw a very large man with a Detroit Tiger sticker on his suitcase.  Enter Cecil!  Father Tiger and Aunt Tigress ran over to say something prolific, like "good job" or "proud of you."  (You now see where this Tigress got her people skills with baseball players that she used with Zumaya)  At the time, this Tigress wasn't a huge baseball fan yet.  I do believe that it helped to shape my obsession.  Baseball is all about the fans and how accessible it is to just about anyone.  What's not to love?!

So the moral of the story is, thanks Aunt Tigress for fostering a passion for baseball that has only grown.  I hope to one day pass along my various useless baseball knowledge and general wonder for the game to unsuspecting kin.

Tune in this whole week for the count down to Opening Day, Tigress style (which is fashionable of course).

Bull Durham

We here at the Detroit Tigress (and by we, I mean myself and my cat Magglio, named after a Tiger player of course.  I asked him the other day if he wanted to change his name, maybe Miguel or Prince, but he said he likes being a Magglio.  The walk off home run in the ALCS sealed it for him) love baseball movies.  One of our favorites is the 1988 classic Bull Durham with Kevin Costner (who is in all great baseball movies), Susan Sarandon, and Tim Robbins.  So pop in your DVD, or VHS (or rush out to the store to buy it) and take a journey with me to North Carolina to look for the best line of the movie…

1:20- My religion is baseball too!  I didn’t know it was acceptable to claim this as your religion.  The church of baseball…I like it.

3:50- This coach is kind of like Gene Lamont.  Kinda clueless and likes to watch fat men dance.  Listen for his one liners and weird opinions about working at Sears.

5:20- It’s true!  Every great ball player had a nickname.  I’m naming my kid Lefty and hoping for a righty.

6:50- Is Annie hired by the team?  Or does she just do this for kicks?  If this is a job, I want it.  O wait, it’s probably like writing a blog but the 1988 version.

8:48- Walk 18, strike out 18…if he  gets a W, I’d call that good!

11:27- Costner’s reaction to being in A ball is priceless!  This is why whenever there is a baseball movie he is cast.

15:55- Which came first?  Ricky Wild Thing or Nuke?  Both erratic wild boys who need to learn a lesson.  I think Nuke came first.

16:38- “Lesson number 1- Don’t think, it will only hurt the ball club.”  That should be on every major league contract when signing a kid right out of high school.

19:26- And a nickname is born!  Also, Crash was in the minors for 12 years!

This is also a contender for best line of the movie: “Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.” 

Oh my…

23:27- Ever heard of Walt Whitman?  Who does he play for… Oh meat, this is why his head is only worth a nickel.

25:44- “Think classy, you’ll be classy.”  I pretty much live by that…I also never let fungus grow on my shower shoes.

26:40- This whole sequence is why I love this movie.  I like to believe similar conversations go on in all player’s heads at EVERY at bat.  Don’t tell me it’s not true and crush my dreams.  This is a reason I love watching baseball live. It’s all about the pitcher and the batter.

28:16 When I have kids and they are pestering me, it would be awesome to tell one of them to “shut up”.

29:33- I really hope that coach isn’t the hitting coach!  He knows nothing!!!!

31:00- Who wears this to go to the batting cages?!  I can barely walk in a pencil skirt let alone swing a bat in one.  Sorry guys, back to unisex talk.

34:50- This money drop thing is ridiculous!!!  How many children were hurt in the filming of that scene?  But that’s what is fun about minor league parks, you always get the crazy contests.  Like the dizzy bat race!

35:49- Up for another best line- “Strikeouts are fascist, throw ground balls, they’re more democratic.  This game’s fun ok!  Have fun gosh darn it!”

37:00- This confrontation is awesome too.  Lesson here kids, listen to your catcher.  The catcher is the smartest person on the field and the one in control.  Don’t mess with the catcher!

37:51- “I gave you a gift! Run dummy!  He hit the shit out of that one.  He hit the bull!  Guy gets a free steak.”  Also up for best line…Crash has some really good lines

39:58- Let the scaring commence folks.  UP for best line (including the Mississippis!):

“Skip: You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!
Larry: Lollygaggers!
Skip: Lollygaggers.

Skip: What's our record, Larry?
Larry: Eight and sixteen.
Skip: Eight... and sixteen. How'd we ever win eight?
Larry: It's a miracle.
Skip: It's a miracle. This... is a simple game. You throw the ball. You hit the ball. You catch the ball.”

43:11- Up for best line: “Go get em boys, hit em where they ain’t!” 

44:00- “Women don’t get wooly.”  I hate people who get the words wrong too Crash. 

44:55- Tell us about the majors Crash!  “21 greatest days of my life.  Ball parks are like cathedrals.”  This is some major foreshadowing for him getting with Annie (that’s what we call a literary device my friends).  They belong to the same religion. 

48:12- “What are these boys thinking about cuz it shore ain’t baseball!”  That can be said about a lot of things. 

52:13- Can we see the dream sequence of Crash and Nuke playing naked together?  I can guarantee more girls would have seen this movie.

54:00- Breathe through your eyelids.  I’m not sure you want to tell a dope like Nuke to do that.

56:05- A slap on the ass will have to do for the ladies.  We aren’t going to get that dream sequence.

57:28- Tim Robbins gets points for his interpretation of breathing through his eyes.  The subtle eye roll is really working.  Also score points for the stupid coach who lets Annie do most of his coaching and then just sits back and explains it to Skip.

59:20- Crash is a switch hitter!  Oh my…

1:00:20- Poor Bull.  Whoever got shoved in the costume that day really had it coming to him.

1:00:55- “Next one might be at your head.  I don’t know where it’s going to go.  Swear to God.”  I love the catcher mind games! 

1:02:00- This is why Nuke’s in the minors, he still doesn’t listen to his catcher.  “When you speak of me, speak well.”  (Exaggerated head nod)

1:03:33- This song is pure baseball.  If you don’t have this on your summer play list, download it now.  John Fogerty, you are an 80s icon.

1:05:05- Time to work on your interviews.  “We got to play them one day at a time.  I’m just happy to be here.  Hope I can help the ball club.  I just wanna give it my best shot and the good lord willing, things will work out.”  I know, just write it down.

1:11:06- Who are you?  Do you have a job?  If only that was acceptable to ask to random people on the street.  Crash is my favorite.

1:13:00- Super duke, lalaoloosh!  That coach is really an idiot.  That’s Gene Lamont’s idol.

1:13:52- The mound scene!  This is awesome.  I can guarantee this never happens.  We need a live rooster!  Don’t know what to get Millie and Jimmy!  Classic!  For the future, than answer is always candle sticks.

1:16:13- Did he get him out at the plate or not?  This brings up the whole argument of instant replay.  I’m

against.  Umps gets things wrong, umps get things right, umps are cocksuckers.  It rains, it shines, it snows.  It’s all part of the game! 

1:19:40- I don’t know what it’s like, but I want to imagine it’s just like this. The “call” to the majors is an actual phone call, with some crazy Mexican lady singing in the background, your father in another room, and a woman with her dress half unbuttoned.  That’s the dream.

1:22:22- Why aren’t there more bars like this?  10 pool tables, bottles of Jack meant for swigs, and a friendly barkeep who doesn’t mind when you break a mirror.  I’d live there.

1:23:43- The difference between .250 and .300 is one more hit a week?!  Tell that to In-Gee!  I’d bet his head would explode.

1:25:24- Lesson 3- “Did you hit me with your right or left?  When you get in a fight with a drunk you don’t hit with your pitching hand.”  I never hit with my right.  Now that I’m on the fastball flakes diet, I want to preserve my beefy arm as much as possible.

1:27:21- “Be cocky and arrogant even when you are being beat.”  That’s what I live my life on.  Fear and arrogance!  Don’t get me worked up!

1:28:35- 16 year old Tigress wanted this wedding!  It’d still be sweet, but I would need Tiger Stadium and it’s no more.

1:30:00- You know it’s coming.  I know it’s coming.  It still sucks.  This is why baseball is a cruel game.  Crash played 12 years in the minors and gets the boot as soon as the cash cow moves on to the majors.  Terrible.

The next 8 minutes or so has a lot of sexy saxophone and a lot of loving.  This has NOTHING to do with baseball, feel free to skip right over.

1:40:00- “The world is made for people who aren’t cursed with self awareness”- up for best quote.  And here is the interview practice paying off!

1:43:35- I just wanna be!

What a great movie!  So the winner for best line is…Lollygaggers of course!  Although feel free to quote anything from this movie while watching baseball.  It’s all relevant.

Let's play a game

I'm sure by now you've heard about Cabrera's orbital fracture.  It happened while taking a grounder at 3rd that took an "unusual hop off the dirt" (translation, In-Gee would have done a double back flip and caught it in his cap).  Luckily, his sunglasses (recently recommended by Santiago, score one point on the My Tiger scale for him) saved him from further injury.  Quick, what brand are those sunglasses?  This commercial writes itself!

So, let's play a game.  What are In-Ge and Scherzer saying to Cabrera in this picture?

Here's my guess:
In-Ge- Looks pretty bad.  Season ending even.
Scherzer- It barely hit him.  It's stopped bleeding.
In-Ge- I'd sit out until the All Star break.
Scherzer- Most of that is dried.  It's just a flesh wound.  A scratch.
In-Ge- You probably have a concussion, better ask Alburquerque how long he rested and then times that by 10.
Scherzer- I found these by 3rd (holds up mangled sunglasses).  I think they took the brunt of the blow.
In-Ge- Let's get you some liquor to dull the pain.

What do you think?

Like it? I love it

Today I "liked" the Tigers...on facebook.  I liked them before but now that it's on facebook, it's completely official!  I was intrigued because of this picture:

The caption was: Busy day at Comerica Park, the Tigers are back! 
Literally (Green eyes and all, it is St. Patrick's Day after all)!  Then there were comments that people saw them coming down the highway.  Accidents caused by surprised fans or people trying to take pictures on their camera phones:  Too many to count.

Speaking of St. Patrick's Day...there once was a conflicted Tigress.  She loved the Tigers and St. Patrick's Day but had no way to convey both loves simultaneously.  Problem solved!  Merchandise took two awesome things (but seemingly non-related on first glance) and combined them!  Lookie!

You know what I'll be wearing tomorrow (in addition to my green beer drinking socks of course).
The Tigress is also very prepared and had this:

Not needed this year, and that's ok with me!!!! Happy St. Patrick's Day Tiger fans! 

Worse than the All Star Game

Spring Training games don't count.  It's worse than the All Star game before 2003.  Worse than the 2002 All Star game that ended in a tie (eww, kissing your sister).  They aren't played for fan enjoyment or to make money.  They are played so that players get back into the groove, get to know each other again, and brush off the winter dust.  Unless you are Andy Dirks, or as he's known in the Dominican "sándwich submarino", and then you are too are used to being baseball god already.

With this in mind, this next headline is not surprising:

Coke needs adrenaline rush of real games

Really Philly?  The tens of fans in the stands aren't doing it for you?  I'm with Philly, I need the adrenaline rush of a real game.  I'm sure it's still interesting to go watch a spring training game in person (in fact it's on my baseball to do list which also includes see a game in every park, see a World Series game, and trip Raburn in an elaborate scheme to make it look like an accident), but in no way am I interested in results, recaps, or stats from these games.  I'll save my excitement for the 162 games that actually count...or in the case of the 2009 Tigers, 163.

Side note:  What would be a good nickname for Phil Coke?  Here are some options I brainstormed:

Classic (as in Coca Cola Classic)

CCC- Triple C

Philly C, or Philly Cheese steak

Todd Jones part 2- Return of the Porn Stache

Philthy Phil (I stole this off another site.  Also "Ice Cold", as in Ice Cold Coke)

Soda Pop (like from Outsiders)

Tinted window van man

Phil-a-buster

Any other good ones out there?

Part ninja, part cheetah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t78_buVBtag&feature=relmfu

It's spring forward, one of the most depressing days of the year.  So for a little chuckle, come on a journey with me.  A journey to the fascinating mind of JV...

:08- "The Perfect Club" is the shtick that MLB 2K12 is going with.  In another commercial, JV pretends to be Randy Johnson to get into the Perfect Club to have some lobster.  It's semi-funny, but they made a big deal about JV doing an "impression" of Johnson.  Putting on a mustache isn't an impression, it's a costume.  Also, Kate Upton is in the commercial, presumably because she's "perfect."  Any chance men have to put a swimsuit model in a commercial they will, no matter how relevant... Thanks Mad Men for setting the stage for men-dominated advertising campaigns.

:20- "Perfectest"...it's a word.  Look it up.

:26- Pause it right here.  Look at JV's eyes!  Creepy!  I'm all for great graphics but at what expense?  To haunt my awake and sleeping dreams?  Mission accomplished.

:30- Now that's an impression!  Of who?  I don't know, but I'm guessing either a "girly man" or a teenaged boy.

:35- There's where the graphics department got the inspiration for the crazy eyes seen at :26!  Things are coming together now!  Which would be better, by the way, a part ninja, part cheetah?  Or a ninja riding a cheetah?  My vote would be for the part ninja, part cheetah because hybrids are all the rage right now.  So eco friendly.  Plus, to have the speed of a cheetah meshed with the fighting ability of a ninja, you'd be unstoppable! 

:40- Why would someone want to fight a ninja?  It's obviously a battle doomed to end in blood shed.

:47- Look kids, it's CJ Wilson!  (Yes I had to google that).

:53- JV has telepathic powers!  Who knew right?  Must be all the Taco Bell he eats.  Or is this an unexpected, yet welcome side effect to the Fastball Flakes?  One can only hope.

:58- "I'm everywhere.  Ninja. (roar of a cheetah)"  Destined to be a catch phrase this year, at least in my small world.  Please let Rod and Mario pick up on this.  They love a good catch phrase.

1:04- Mini fist pump.  If JV is doing that on the game, then what do they have Valverde doing?  I hope they figured out the science of how such a large man can dance around with such agility.

OK JV, now that the commercial is over, get your hands off that controller!  We need your MVP hands ready for Opening Day.  Don't pull a Zumaya.

The G-Money Train

I get it, we need a back up catcher.  Avila needs days of rest and a reliable person to be a back up.  VMart was not that person last year.  Leyland admitted up front that he wanted VMart to do minimal catching.  He knew that it was his bat they were paying for, not his knees.  I understand all these things.  That doesn't make it ok that G-Money is back to fill that role.  He's one of those Tigers that you think "Thank goodness" when he leaves and "Oh crap" when he comes back (Todd Jones anyone?  Or his little known nickname, Porn Stache). 

Don't adjust your screen.  That's just what he looks like.  It burns my eyes a little bit.
G-Money was/is a mediocre player at best.  He hit .207 in 2010 for the Tigers and only .232 last year with the Cards.  Not only that, he's never been known for his speed.  When he hits a ball to the outfield, his team mates can be heard yelling "Unhitch the trailer!" 

So why is he on the team?  Probably the influence of Larussa.  Probably because of G-Money's "good guy" status (Tigers are circulating a story that he "mentored" Avila.  Skip the crap, no one cares.).  Probably because he already had a nickname from Rod and Mario.  Trust me, the last reason is a big deal.  Good nicknames are hard to come by.  All I know is, I have to deal with watching him all season every 5-6 days.  He better not be Fister's personal catcher (you know, kind of like Wakefield used to have with Mirabelli) or Fister is out of the running as My Tiger.  In fact, I'd like to add G-Money to the list of My not Tiger.

To add fuel to the fire, my uncle likes to pretend that G-Money is his favorite player.  Here are some of his recent Facebook statuses (stati?): 

G-money should see some good pitches with cabrera,fielder,and young behind him.

g-money should be able to steal 20-25 bases this season if jim gives him the greenlight

best selling book in lakeland is 'what i think about when i think about hitting' by G-money.

this year its..when G-money hits for the cycle bring the boxscore into arby's for a small curly fry.

baseball signed by verlander, cabrera,and fielder=$100. add G-money signature=$1000

G$ has a list of baseball's unwritten rules

 

Yes these are real.  My uncle is hilarious but reading these is giving me heartburn.  Oh, and he was arrested after getting in a fight at an NBA game...classy.  Down with G-Money.

Beefy arm

When I go grocery shopping, my list is pretty generic.  Yogurt, lunch meat, cheese...no name brands in sight.  Whatever's on sale.  Today I had a mission.  Find the cereal that would make me the ultimate starting pitcher.  I'm talking about Justin Verlander's Fastball Flakes!  I didn't want to leave the store without them.  First stop, cereal aisle.  Not there!  Second stop, middle aisle between the food and the garden/clothes area.  Not there!  At this point I could see my dreams vanishing before my eyes.  No Rookie of the Year.  No MVP.  No Cy Young.  No 4 time All Star.  No one beefy right arm, just like Trogdor the Burninator (see image below):

Then, when all hope was lost, I found them!  They were in the middle aisle facing the flowers and clothes where no one walks!  In truth, the only reason I was on that side is because it's the path I take to get back to the front of the store.  Why would you hide your best merchandise?  Isn't that the number one rule of marketing?  Put the valuable goods in sight?  Also, can't tell you how much they are because I don't think my cashier rang them up.  This means a 100 MPH fastball... for free!!!  Just owning the cereal made me so fast that I almost ran over 2 engineers in the parking lot with my shopping cart.  I ran the forty meters in 1 minute...is that fast?  I didn't even cough like Zoltek on Little Giants.

I like how the 's' on 'flakes' covers the olde English D to make it more generic.  It also kind of looks like a rally babushka (that's another story).

This is kind of hard to read, but it says, "Guaranteed to increase strength, tone, and endurance of throwing arm.  Throw up to 10 MPH faster!" 

This website on the back of the box is pure gold: plbsports.com.  I had no idea that these were the makers of Flutie Flakes!  Everything is coming together for me!  My favorite product is probably Dustin Pedroia Black Bean Salsa.  Any Kurt Warner fans?  The Warner's Crunch Time shirt is only a dollar!  Can you say "collector's item?"

 The best part?  Some profit is donated to benefit the VA Hospitals in Detroit, MI & Ann Arbor, MI.  That's probably the best selling feature and it's not even listed on the box!  Go JV, Go veterans of MI, and Go me!

I smell a problem

I know that home runs are a big part of what bring fans to games.  People love the long ball (that's what she said).  While I appreciate a good home run, there's no drama in a home run.  A single up the middle with a runner on second...now that's drama!  Is there going to be a throw to the plate?  How fast is the runner?  How good is the outfielder's arm?  How is Gene Lamont going to ruin this for us today?  You know that part about Lamont is true.

The past couple of days, all I've heard about is home run production in Spring Training games.  Cabrera, Fielder, Raburn, Head...the Tigers scored 18 runs the other day!  This is a headline today from the great Peter Gammons:

Tigers plan a lot of driving ... balls over fences

Does anyone else sense a problem?  Comerica is not a home run ballpark.  Sure, guys like Cabrera and Fielder don't have an issue driving the ball out, but I hope the rest of the team knows about playing small ball.  I've seen many balls die at the center field warning track with Rod saying something to the effect of  "In any other park, that's out."  There's the rub.  This isn't any other park.  This is Comerica.  Best to learn to love rather than fight against.

Tickets and games

Obviously my last post was female directed.  That happens sometimes.  I have to sit and listen to men talk about all sorts of things (especially work).  So basically what I'm saying is quit your whining before I have to call the WAHmbulance.
Yesterday, Tiger tickets went on sale.  I remember a simpler time when we could call ticket master or simply go to the stadium to get our tickets.  Now, we are greeted with this:

Is there anything more exciting, thrilling, and annoying as the virtual waiting room?  That little man moves so slowly, but when he moves a box...watch out!  This year I wasn't trying to get opening day tickets, so I wasn't as emotionally invested.  However, when World Series tickets went on sale, I was invested with my entire metaphorical life savings.  Sister Tigress and I had 3 computers going and had them triangulated for optimal viewing.  The advantage of buying those tickets was that they sold them on a weekday morning when most suckers are at "work."  Advantage Tigress.  We succeeded in buying tickets and it may have been the single most exciting moment of my life.  I had knots in my stomach for days.  Then the Tigers lost.  I suppose if I wouldn't have gotten the tickets they would have made it.  Good thing about sports, there's always next year.

So, the Tigers started playing their Spring Training games yesterday.  Now that reporters have actual games to report on, let's see what they are saying...

Head displays power for Tigers

That's right, reread that again.  Jerad Head has been living in the minors and various teams for six years and the Tigers signed him to beef up their Triple A line up.  (Really?  I didn't know we did that.)  All I see in this guy is potential.  Ya, ya, he hit a home run yesterday as a DH, but I'm thinking name potential.  To have Fister and Head on the same team...the possibilities are endless!  Sorry Dirks and Clete Thomas, you guys are off the team for a guy with more "potential."

Side note:

"The entire Tigers 40-man roster is now under contract. The team agreed to terms on one-year contracts with Al Alburquerque, Brennan Boesch and Daniel Schlereth. The remaining three unsigned players -- Alex Avila, Doug Fister and Austin Jackson -- all had their contracts renewed by the team."

One word- Yay!  This is great news, but let's make sure to sign BBoesch to a more lengthy contract come next winter, ok Dave?

And we can't have a game recap without a headline about In-Gee

Inge passes early tests at second base

Yup, you will be hearing about this for the next month.  Might as well come to terms with it.  I have.  But then what happens after?  Then do I have to hear about In-Gee accepting his role as an "every position" man?  Or get weekly updates on his status at 2nd?  Why haven't we heard as much about the fight for the outfield positions?  Those are important too.  I'd say Jackson is the only guaranteed starter.  Delmon still has to prove himself.  Same with Bboesch.  Are we ignoring all other positions?  Guess so.

Prince collects two hits as Tigers top Braves

Last one for today.  Here's what I'm really interested in.  Will the big money, off-season trade really be worth it?  Please oh please yes.  Nine years is a long time to commit to anything (insert joke about Kim Kardashian's wedding lasting 72 days).  The Tigers aren't the Yankees.  I don't want them to be the Yankees.  No one likes the Yankees.  If you do, I don't like you.  Yankees sign players to contracts and expect big things.  Then good players (ARod) seem like mediocre players because of all that money.  Old Dave obviously doesn't subscribe to the MoneyBall philosophy.  He must not be a Brad Pitt fan.

The Hottest Men of Baseball 2011: American League Edition

Usually I don’t do research for these blogs.  Let’s be honest, 3 people read them and I pay 2 of those people.  I usually just read something or think it and then start typing.  It’s not rocket science or brain surgery.  You never heard someone use “blog writing” when making an analogy about a difficult task.  But this time was different.  This was personal.  This is my War and Peace.  It’s so life changing, that it needs two parts.  I hired three undergraduate statistics students to do facial symmetry measures and perform telephone surveys.  This isn’t a topic you simply start typing about.  This requires thought, reflection, and time.  I was able to give it two of those (see if you can figure out which two!).  Also remember, this is my opinion.  But I'm also the one with her fingers on the keys so...suck it!  I may also start to sound like Paris Hilton with all the uses of "hot" and "sexy" but trust me, this too will pass.  So without further ado…

The Hottest Men of Baseball 2011: American League Edition (Pitchers to come later; also 2011 because these were their teams/positions as of last year)

Catcher- Surprisingly, the most attractive men to me were catchers.  I'm thinking it's the mask, or the squatting, or the pads.  The jury is still out.

Boiling Point (AKA the Winner)- Joe Mauer (Twins): I've thought this for a long time.  In fact, he may have inspired this blog entry.  He's so tall, but so natural at being a catcher.  It's counterintuitive and sexy.  There, I said it.  Please, baseball gods, don't move him from a catcher.  I feel part of his allure may be gone if he moves.

Sizzling (AKA 1st runner up)- Jarrod Saltalamacchia (Red Sox): Long last name's are sexy.  Also, he has a very "boy next door" quality.

Fever (AKA Honorable Mention): JP Arencibia (Blue jays), Alex Avila (Tigers), Lou Marson (Indians), Kurt Suzuki (Seattle)

1^st base- A disappointing lack of hot.  Although not on the list, it should be noted that my cousin once called Carlos Pena a "sexy Mexi."  It's not offensive because she just didn't know better.

 

Boiling Point- Justin Smoak (Seattle): Subtle cute.  Plus with the lack of hot at 1st (this is where the "big boys" of baseball live), he's the best I could find.

Sizzling: Mark Texiera (Yankees)- Personally, I think his neck is too big.  Or his face shape is wrong.  Something is a little off.  That being said, the maker knew what he was doing when he put this one together.

Fever: Miguel Cabrera (Tigers)- That's right.  You didn't misread that.

2^nd base- These guys are usually quick and agile.  Desirable traits in a mate.

Boiling Point: Ben Zobrist (Rays)- To be fair, this picture was probably taken 7 years ago.  That being said, when I searched him on Google and saw this I thought, "Ding Ding, we have a winner."

Sizzling- Ian Kinsler (Rangers)- He reminds me of the "rebel" from high school.  The scruff and shaggy hair work here.  I'd love to see him in a pair of sunglasses...

Fever: Howie Kendrick (Angels)

Shortstop- The captain of the infield.  Nothing better than a man who is in charge.

Boiling Point- Derek Jeter (Yankees)- This is probably going to be the only instance, but this is the man that "won" the first time I ranked players based on looks.  Ya he's a little older, but I think he's aged well and will stand as a great baseball player of our time.  Plus he's a Michigan native and gives back to his community (Turn 2 foundation anyone?)

Sizzling- Elvis Andrus (Rangers)- One word: Sunglasses.  Also doesn't hurt that he shares his name with the King.

Fever- JJ Hardy (Baltimore)

3^rd base- They call it the "hot corner" for a reason.  Winky face ;)

Disclaimer- This Tigress will not stoop to picking ARod.  We can, and will, do better America.

Boiling Point- Evan Longoria (Rays)- Best part of the Rays being in the playoffs last year?  Getting to see Longoria on network television.  In fact...he gets the Sizzling title too.  That means two pictures.

Fever- Jack Hannahan (Baltimore)

Left Field- It should be noted that it is difficult to break apart the outfield.  Just look at the All Star balloting.  They don't even make a distinction between each position!  In theory, 3 center fielders could make the starting line up.  That's another rant for another day though.  I did the best I could and only placed purposefully once...

Boiling Point- Brennan Boesch (Tigers)- You did it Brennan.  I'm so proud of you.  I'm guessing you'll play a lot of right field this year, but the stock at left are U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi.  Since we already saw the picture of him in his sunglasses (thank you Mr. Sun), I've picked another gem.

Fever- Josh Hamilton (Rangers)

Center Field- As John Fogerty would say, "Look at me.  I can be center field."

Boiling Point- Jacoby Ellsbury (Red Sox)- Maybe one of my favorite names in all of baseball.  Is it Jacob-y or JA-coby?  No one knows...ok, maybe his mom knows what she intended.  Thanks for the name mom, and the hot, hot genes.

Sizzling- Curtis Grandson (Yankees)- We miss you Curtis.  You were someone we could bring home to mom.  Charitable, a good ball player, and awesome looking.  Come back (small tear).

Fever- Peter Bourjos (Angels)

Right Field- Rounding out the field, literally and figuratively (in my heart).

Boiling Point- Nick Markakis (Baltimore)- He has a tendency to look a little awkward, but in the right light it's all good.  Plus, his last name is also awesome.  If I married Nick, I'd insist our first born was named Mark.  It'd be the moral thing to do.

Sizzling- Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle)- This is a long time coming.  He may have been on the original list as well (scientists have yet to unearth it).  At the 2005 All Star game, I chanted his name with a lively group of Japanese fans.  I bought a shirt with his name on it.  When he "slaps" the ball, my heart skips a beat.  If only I could find a picture of him in sunglasses...Oh wait, never mind!

Fever- Torii Hunter (Angels)

 Pitchers are a whole new adventure.  Stay tuned for them and the National League list!

Treasures of the search:

The hotter the guy, the higher on the list inquiries for his girlfriend or wife are on the google suggestion search.  Nice to know I’m not the only lady wondering.

I was immediately drawn to most guys wearing sunglasses.  I’m thinking a mandatory sunglasses rule for MLB is coming.  My petition for the high socks rule has been in their hands for quite some time.

I also ran across some not so hot guys.  I smell another blog post.

A lot of guys look like goobers for their official team pictures but look better when caught off guard.  Teams need to hire professional photographers.