Winter diversions

This was a long, lonely winter in Michigan without a championship to keep us warm.  To get through the Polar Vortex and feet upon feet of snow, any good Detroit sports fan needs a little diversion.  It's the only way March will get here faster.  Every four years, old man winter gives the greatest gift of all: The Winter Olympics.  While often considered the unwanted younger brother of The Summer Olympics, The Winter Olympics has lots to offer if you know where to look.  Here's a retrospective on the two week collection of sports that's as diverse as the great state of Michigan itself.

Most practical winter sport: Biathlon.  Imagine, you live in Minnesota in the 1800s and it's winter.  How do you provide for your family?  Why you strap on your cross country skis, grab your gun, and go get dinner.  While the athletes aren't shooting at squirrels or rabbits, the practicality of the sport still shines through.  Tell me you won an Olympic medal and I'm impressed.  Tell me you medaled in the biathlon and I'll invite you to dinner.

Most chill athletes: Snowboarders, especially the slopestyle and half pipe.  Have an epic fall in snowboarding?  Get to the bottom, smile, and flash a peace sign.  Fall in almost any sport and pound your head in pure heartache and agony.  The snowboarders are just happy to be invited to the Olympics after being off the grid for so long.  Let's be honest, they are ratings gold and it would be wise to add more high-flying events to boost interest in the general public.

Most unchill athletes: Ice skaters.  While I enjoy a good free dance, there are no more nerves present than during warm ups before each group in ice skating, especially for the women.  Tears of joy and disappointment are often present in the ice rink.  There's a reason they are called ice princesses.  Even after the competition, there's room to complain and file complaints.  You know what's hurting your sport?  Your poor attitude.  Chew on that for a while.

Sport that brings in the standard sport fan: Hockey.  Want to see all your favorite NHL stars? They're here, you just have to look for them.  It's actually a good exercise in last name origin and genealogy.  Big winners this year is that country to the north.  Everyone needs to be good in something I suppose.

Sport you literally only watch every four years: Curling.  I probably watched seven curling matches, not all US teams.  The terms themselves are whimsical.  Throw the rocks at the house, but have a strategy for the hammer!  Anyone can be a curler.  The Canadian men take it to a whole new level with their workout routines, but any office worker could grab a broom and jump out there.

Most talked about sport: Bob Costas's conjunctivitis.  Nothing brings out people's interest like a little pink eye.  Here's my question though, with both Al Michaels and Dan Patrick in Sochi, how are those two not tapped to pinch hit for Costas?  They have the experience in sports whereas Meredith and Matt are news desk jockeys.  I guess either one of them is better than the British lady with bad posture who was on the afternoon circuit.  Sit up lady!  This is the Olympics!

Worst act by a loser: The camera people who hounded Bode Miller after his bronze medal interview.  Look back people.  Sure the reporter tried to make him cry, but those cameramen kept the zoom close on his face and even told someone to get out of the camera shot.  He's 36 and has been through a lot.  Let the man have a little space.  It's the polite thing to do.

Most random pairing in an event: Nordic Combined.  In what universe does ski jumping go with cross country skiing?  How about moguls with ice dancing next time around?  Sounds super.

Best fashion: Norway's curling pants.  That's right, they beat out all of Johnny Weir's outfits and head pieces.  Maybe in four more years Johnny can try again.  This time around he'll have to settle for the silver.

Now that all the pomp and circumstance has passed, it's time for good, old American baseball.

2nd anniversary

I can't believe it's been two years.  It seems like only yesterday this blog was a idea egg in my head and now it's a full blown chicken.  Or something...  According to social tradition (and completely arbitrary), cotton is the traditional gift for the second anniversary.  I thought it was fitting to get you a Tiger's handkerchief.  Here's why:

You are probably still drying your eyes after the Tigers lost to the Red Sox last year.  Dry your tears, friends.  We are in Spring Training and a little over a month from opening day.  It's time to move on and forget what's gone.

You need the hankey as a tribute to Smokes this year.  Anytime a post game interview with Ausmus is shown, get out your hankey and pretend to cry as Smokes would have.

Your Tiger is gone, gone, gone.  Times are rough in Tigressville.

You still haven't gotten rid of the cold/flu you've been nursing since November.  Recovery was severely hampered by the Polar Vortex and the amount of snow you shoveled this year.  Take a shot of orange juice and your zinc vitamin and get over it.

The modern gift suggestion for two years is china.  As your modern gift, I extend to you these wine glasses that can double as champagne flutes.  No long explanation needed here.  You are going to need these puppies when the Tigers win the World Series.  Actually, I take that back.  Go champion style and just spray the champagne directly into your mouth.  Sheets of plastic on the wall are optional.

Don't worry, you don't have to get me anything.  All I ask for is your undying love and affection for me and the Tigers.  Easy peasy.

Absence

You know what they say about absence...it makes the heart grow fonder.  Well, I'm guessing you are very fond of me right now!  After a month and a half sabbatical, the Tigress emerges from her den and declares that Spring Training is here!  Well, for pitchers and catchers, but the rest of the staff is not far behind.  There was a picture of Ian Kinsler and Jose Iglesias posted on the Tigers' Facebook.  I hope these two have taken a dance class or at least gone to couple's counseling, because they will be seeing a lot of each other this season on either side of 2nd base.

Rest assured that the Tigress has not been researching a new team to devote herself to.  No, I won't be transferring my fandom to the Nationals in order to keep my favorite player (Doug Fister, may he rest in Tiger peace).  I've been prepping and preparing for the newest Tiger fan to make her entrance.  Baby Tigress will be here in less than a month and the whole Tigress family has been working to ensure that she's the most fabulous Tiger fan to ever grace this Earth.  So, how does the Tigress decorate a nursery to encourage optimal Detroit love?  Why with Tigers swag of course.

First up, window treatments.  Nothing quite blocks out the sun (and the Yankees' chances at a World Series) better than a Tigers valance.  It sets the mood for the whole room (fun) and draws the eye to the most important letter in the alphabet.  

Next on the list is a place to put all of Baby Tigress's bobbleheads and other collectibles.  Mr. Tiger flexed his creative handiwork and made this over the closet shelf.  The brackets are two sided with "Tigers" written in script in one side and the olde English D on the other.  They are pretty boss.

The only way to adorn such a majestic shelf is to gather the greatest assortment of Tigers memorabilia and display it proudly.  You'll notice the gnomes given by Brother Tiger, the JV doll bought at the playoff game, and many a bobblehead acquired in promotional giveaways.  I've also included many bobbleheads from stadiums I've visited through the years.

Her favorites in the middle: Al, Gnomey the Homey, JV, Gnome fans, and Paws

While watching the Tigers is the top of Baby Tigress's priority list, literacy is a close second.  Her favorite books are about...the Tigers (imagine that!).  She also has a vintage dollhouse to store her books.  Notice the baseball bat, glove and ball handle on the bottom draw and Tigers bear security blanket in the bottom right room.

A classy lady has to have places to hang her things.  Enter the baseball hooks.  You'll see she currently has her friend Muffin Moose and her owl hooded towel up there (just in case there was any doubt that this is a girl's room).

Currently, the small Tiger head below will function as a trash can until the amount of trash Baby Tigress produces exceeds the amount this container can hold. The Tiger bench was purchased in Shipshewana shortly after Baby Tigress's existence was discovered.  The larger Tiger is a hamper, which is awesome except for one thing.  The top flips down to close showing a Tiger's hat.  Unfortunately, the olde English D is upside down!  Who did the quality control at the factory?  Write up a corrective action for this hot mess.  

To keep warm in the winter, Baby will have a hooded Tiger's blanket to snuggle up with.  The picture doesn't do it justice, but this blanket is worn with the Tiger head as a hood and there are spots to put your hands in the blanket to wrap it around you.  We've already agreed that until Baby Tigress is big enough to fully appreciate the blanket's awesomeness, I've been granted full access while in the home.  I've been blocked from bringing it to the stadium, but I get that.  A baby's got to have regulations.

While Baby Tigress's room is a Tiger's fan sanctuary, this kid has to have something to wear while cheering the Tigers to victory.  The clothes are thanks to Grandpa Tiger, Grandma Tigress, Uncle Tiger, and Aunt Tigress (they are digging their new titles BTW).  

The pink says, I love the Tigers but I also look great in pastels

Lastly, a child needs toys to enrich the mind and keep her occupied long enough so the Tigress can do the dishes.  These blocks are hand made by Aunt Tigress and Uncle Tiger.  Not only do they have fun blue and orange patterns on them, but they also have letters and Tiger's logos.  They teach, entertain, and let the creative juices flow.  Where else would you keep Tiger's blocks but in a Tiger's tin?

Baby Tigress will be here by opening day to cheer on the Tigers to a championship season.  That's right, Tigers.  Pressure is on.  This kid is expecting a lot from you.  She can grow up telling the story about how the Tigers won the World Series the year she was born, forever cementing her love of the Tigers.  In the meantime, her mom has some work to do.  Both My Tiger and My Not Tiger have to be chosen and the Tiger's roster has to be analyzed as they progress through Spring Training.  We call that "nesting."

Merry Smokesmas

With Smokes in a semi-retirement stage, he's had a little more time this holiday season to buy all his favorite players and coaches the perfect Christmas presents.  He's made a list, checked it twice, and he's giving out presents to both the naughty and nice.

No resemblance what so ever

To Gene Lamont- For being a trusty assistant, friend, and person to deflect the blame to for 7 years, Smokes gifted Gene with his most prized possession.  His diamond encrusted cigarette case.  Only the best for those that age so quickly.  

To Brad Ausmus- As the new manager of Tigers, there's lots of advice that Smokes can pass on, but there's really only one gift worth giving.  It's Michael Jackson the Experience for his favorite video game system.  Rad Brad has two months to learn some sweet dance moves to carry on the GIF legacy of the funky Tiger manager.

To Miguel Cabrera- To the man who literally carries the team on his shoulders, a year supply of Icy Hot balm, approximately 162 gallons.  Although Miggy appreciates the gift, the switch back to first from Dave Dom is probably the greatest gift of all (just like Dolly and Kenny were singing about).

To Andy Dirks- A coupon from Super Cuts to keep things high and tight this year and a gift card to his favorite spa to rub all the kinks out of that enormous neck.  He also gifts him the possibility of a starting position in the lineup.  That's priceless, my friend.

To Torii Hunter- For the ultimate jokester, something to keep the fun coming this season.  With fresh meat in the Tiger dugout, Hunter is sure to pull out all the stops.

To Justin Verlander- Crest Whitestrips, because when your grill is like JV's, you have no choice but to keep those pearls sparkling.

To Max Scherzer- For the new king of the lineup, only one gift will do.  Maxxy gets his very own crown to strut around in his season.  Better keep it close though, or Smyly or Sanchez are likely to snatch it right off your head.  Why with this crown and that WWE belt, you'll look just like St. Nick (or a tool, it's hard to tell at this point).

To Prince, Doug, Omar, Joaquin, and all those we are losing this year- A little piece of Detroit to take with you to your new cities: a brand new Ford Mustang...steering wheel.  Obviously Smokes can't be expected to spring for a new car for all the departing Tigers.  And he did say a little piece of Detroit.  Might have to give the rear view mirror instead, a steering wheel might be too much.

To Alex Avila- MLB has already given Al the greatest gift of all, no more collisions at the plate.  As extra protection, Al can become the new bubble boy.  Just don't challenge Smokes to a game of Trivial Pursuit.  He's bound to know who the Moops are.

He sprang to his jalopy, to his team gave a ciggy,
And away they all flew like the ball from the bat of Miggy.
But I heard him exclaim 'ere he cracked a few beeries,
"Merry Christmas to all and let's win the World Series!" 

Santa came early

For years, life has been stiffing Alex Avila.  Sure he's a major league catcher who had an All Star season, but life has been a little rough for Big Al in the past few years.  He "met" Prince Fielder's elbow and got a concussion.  He gets drilled by more foul balls than is statistically possible.  His batting average got upstaged by the past two back up catchers.  His hair was replicated by JV when he dressed up as BoZo the clown for Halloween.  Let's not even talk about his beard that is like the proverbial cat who always seems to come back the very next day.

But, lo!  Behold, it's a Christmas miracle!  Major League Baseball is going to outlaw collisions at the plate!  One small step for Alex's knees, one giant leap for his brain.  Never say that Santa doesn't read letters from deserving little children.

Existent to Nationals

Wait, what?  The title above is the text I received for Sister Tigress after I spent a long day conferencing at work.  Either my eyes aren't work correctly, my brain isn't working correctly, or auto correct strikes again!  What could it mean though?  I tried to decipher the message pre-auto correct.  Here were my thoughts:

Yes, the Nationals do exist (just like Santa and the big, talking M&Ms from that Christmas commercial).  We can all thank the downfall of the Expos for this.

Iglesias?  They traded Iggy?  That can't be!  We only just acquired the second half to the most solid middle infield the Tigers have had since Lou and Alan back in the day.

That's it. I got nothing else

After a phone call (I know!  It's like the stone age), everything got cleared up.  Fister got traded to the Nationals.  Don't know how that got switched to Existent, but it happened people.  Once the truth set in, I was pretty crushed.  My Dougie Fresh, My Tiger, Mr. Speedy and Reliable.  Gone.  No more two hour games for the Tigers.  Unless Steve Sparks comes out of retirement.  I guess this leaves room for Smyly to be a starter (eh) and it better mean Scherzer is getting signed!

Somehow on the day that Fister gets traded, Donnie Kelly gets signed to a one year contract.  Just when I think you are an evil genius, Dom, you go and break my heart like this.

One thing is for sure, I've got a lot of thinking to do this off season.  I need a new Tiger and I never really filled the position of My Not Tiger.  Decisions, decisions.

The trade

When news reached me on Wednesday that the Tigers traded Prince Fielder for the Rangers' Ian Kinsler, I went through a progression of emotions.

9:00 PM- What?!  You gotta be kidding me.  Dom, you are the stupidest mind in all of baseball!  A first baseman for a second baseman?!  Getting rid of Prince, who we gave a huge contract and was the boy that came home to Detroit.  This is bananas.

9:05- Ian Kinsler is a baller.  I mean, just imagine the middle of the infield.  Iggy and Kinsler are two masters of fielding and are solid single-double hitters.  Kinsler isn't a power hitter, but it's a known fact that Comerica Park is NOT a home run park.  Omar's contract is up so this is a good transition.

9:10- Plus, Ian Kinsler is good looking.  In fact, he got second place in the Tigress's hottest men of the AL post for second basemen.

9:17- Miggy can move back to first base!  Not as much wear and tear on his body and give him a chance to do what he's really good at...hitting.

9:21- VMart can play first base when we play in a NL park while Miggy plays the occasional third.  That leaves his bat in the lineup.  In fact, he can move right behind Cabby and create a really effective one-two punch.

9:26- Prince was a disappointment during the playoffs.  It's probably best that he's leaving after his mediocre performance.  I'd hate for him to have been a stud and then got traded.  Oh man, my mind is on overload.  I need to go to bed.

7:16 AM Thursday- FOR SCHERZER!!!  The Tigers opened up some money to re-sign Scherzer!  That has to be part of Dom's master plan.  It HAS to be part of the master plan.

7:22- Holy cow, is Dom the smartest man in baseball?  It's entirely possible.  If Castellanos plays third (he'd have to earn it), then the only position that's unsure is left field.  That's pretty good!  Oh, and the bullpen of course, but Dom's got three full months to figure this out.

So, had I written a post right away, I probably would have pooh-poohed Dom's plan, but after careful reflection and talking to the most devoted fans at work, I've come around to Dom's madness.  There was only one person I talked to yesterday that was disappointed by the trade.  That means 9 out of 10 people in West Michigan approve.  That's almost as many dentists that suggest flossing.  It's just a good thing I got Baby Tigress a Verdiggity doll instead of the Princey Pie doll.  I'd hate for her to be out of vogue before she's out of the womb.