Merry Smokesmas

With Smokes in a semi-retirement stage, he's had a little more time this holiday season to buy all his favorite players and coaches the perfect Christmas presents.  He's made a list, checked it twice, and he's giving out presents to both the naughty and nice.

No resemblance what so ever

To Gene Lamont- For being a trusty assistant, friend, and person to deflect the blame to for 7 years, Smokes gifted Gene with his most prized possession.  His diamond encrusted cigarette case.  Only the best for those that age so quickly.  

To Brad Ausmus- As the new manager of Tigers, there's lots of advice that Smokes can pass on, but there's really only one gift worth giving.  It's Michael Jackson the Experience for his favorite video game system.  Rad Brad has two months to learn some sweet dance moves to carry on the GIF legacy of the funky Tiger manager.

To Miguel Cabrera- To the man who literally carries the team on his shoulders, a year supply of Icy Hot balm, approximately 162 gallons.  Although Miggy appreciates the gift, the switch back to first from Dave Dom is probably the greatest gift of all (just like Dolly and Kenny were singing about).

To Andy Dirks- A coupon from Super Cuts to keep things high and tight this year and a gift card to his favorite spa to rub all the kinks out of that enormous neck.  He also gifts him the possibility of a starting position in the lineup.  That's priceless, my friend.

To Torii Hunter- For the ultimate jokester, something to keep the fun coming this season.  With fresh meat in the Tiger dugout, Hunter is sure to pull out all the stops.

To Justin Verlander- Crest Whitestrips, because when your grill is like JV's, you have no choice but to keep those pearls sparkling.

To Max Scherzer- For the new king of the lineup, only one gift will do.  Maxxy gets his very own crown to strut around in his season.  Better keep it close though, or Smyly or Sanchez are likely to snatch it right off your head.  Why with this crown and that WWE belt, you'll look just like St. Nick (or a tool, it's hard to tell at this point).

To Prince, Doug, Omar, Joaquin, and all those we are losing this year- A little piece of Detroit to take with you to your new cities: a brand new Ford Mustang...steering wheel.  Obviously Smokes can't be expected to spring for a new car for all the departing Tigers.  And he did say a little piece of Detroit.  Might have to give the rear view mirror instead, a steering wheel might be too much.

To Alex Avila- MLB has already given Al the greatest gift of all, no more collisions at the plate.  As extra protection, Al can become the new bubble boy.  Just don't challenge Smokes to a game of Trivial Pursuit.  He's bound to know who the Moops are.

He sprang to his jalopy, to his team gave a ciggy,
And away they all flew like the ball from the bat of Miggy.
But I heard him exclaim 'ere he cracked a few beeries,
"Merry Christmas to all and let's win the World Series!"