Worse than the All Star Game

Spring Training games don't count.  It's worse than the All Star game before 2003.  Worse than the 2002 All Star game that ended in a tie (eww, kissing your sister).  They aren't played for fan enjoyment or to make money.  They are played so that players get back into the groove, get to know each other again, and brush off the winter dust.  Unless you are Andy Dirks, or as he's known in the Dominican "sándwich submarino", and then you are too are used to being baseball god already.

With this in mind, this next headline is not surprising:

Coke needs adrenaline rush of real games

Really Philly?  The tens of fans in the stands aren't doing it for you?  I'm with Philly, I need the adrenaline rush of a real game.  I'm sure it's still interesting to go watch a spring training game in person (in fact it's on my baseball to do list which also includes see a game in every park, see a World Series game, and trip Raburn in an elaborate scheme to make it look like an accident), but in no way am I interested in results, recaps, or stats from these games.  I'll save my excitement for the 162 games that actually count...or in the case of the 2009 Tigers, 163.

Side note:  What would be a good nickname for Phil Coke?  Here are some options I brainstormed:

Classic (as in Coca Cola Classic)

CCC- Triple C

Philly C, or Philly Cheese steak

Todd Jones part 2- Return of the Porn Stache

Philthy Phil (I stole this off another site.  Also "Ice Cold", as in Ice Cold Coke)

Soda Pop (like from Outsiders)

Tinted window van man

Phil-a-buster

Any other good ones out there?

Part ninja, part cheetah

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t78_buVBtag&feature=relmfu

It's spring forward, one of the most depressing days of the year.  So for a little chuckle, come on a journey with me.  A journey to the fascinating mind of JV...

:08- "The Perfect Club" is the shtick that MLB 2K12 is going with.  In another commercial, JV pretends to be Randy Johnson to get into the Perfect Club to have some lobster.  It's semi-funny, but they made a big deal about JV doing an "impression" of Johnson.  Putting on a mustache isn't an impression, it's a costume.  Also, Kate Upton is in the commercial, presumably because she's "perfect."  Any chance men have to put a swimsuit model in a commercial they will, no matter how relevant... Thanks Mad Men for setting the stage for men-dominated advertising campaigns.

:20- "Perfectest"...it's a word.  Look it up.

:26- Pause it right here.  Look at JV's eyes!  Creepy!  I'm all for great graphics but at what expense?  To haunt my awake and sleeping dreams?  Mission accomplished.

:30- Now that's an impression!  Of who?  I don't know, but I'm guessing either a "girly man" or a teenaged boy.

:35- There's where the graphics department got the inspiration for the crazy eyes seen at :26!  Things are coming together now!  Which would be better, by the way, a part ninja, part cheetah?  Or a ninja riding a cheetah?  My vote would be for the part ninja, part cheetah because hybrids are all the rage right now.  So eco friendly.  Plus, to have the speed of a cheetah meshed with the fighting ability of a ninja, you'd be unstoppable! 

:40- Why would someone want to fight a ninja?  It's obviously a battle doomed to end in blood shed.

:47- Look kids, it's CJ Wilson!  (Yes I had to google that).

:53- JV has telepathic powers!  Who knew right?  Must be all the Taco Bell he eats.  Or is this an unexpected, yet welcome side effect to the Fastball Flakes?  One can only hope.

:58- "I'm everywhere.  Ninja. (roar of a cheetah)"  Destined to be a catch phrase this year, at least in my small world.  Please let Rod and Mario pick up on this.  They love a good catch phrase.

1:04- Mini fist pump.  If JV is doing that on the game, then what do they have Valverde doing?  I hope they figured out the science of how such a large man can dance around with such agility.

OK JV, now that the commercial is over, get your hands off that controller!  We need your MVP hands ready for Opening Day.  Don't pull a Zumaya.

The G-Money Train

I get it, we need a back up catcher.  Avila needs days of rest and a reliable person to be a back up.  VMart was not that person last year.  Leyland admitted up front that he wanted VMart to do minimal catching.  He knew that it was his bat they were paying for, not his knees.  I understand all these things.  That doesn't make it ok that G-Money is back to fill that role.  He's one of those Tigers that you think "Thank goodness" when he leaves and "Oh crap" when he comes back (Todd Jones anyone?  Or his little known nickname, Porn Stache). 

Don't adjust your screen.  That's just what he looks like.  It burns my eyes a little bit.
G-Money was/is a mediocre player at best.  He hit .207 in 2010 for the Tigers and only .232 last year with the Cards.  Not only that, he's never been known for his speed.  When he hits a ball to the outfield, his team mates can be heard yelling "Unhitch the trailer!" 

So why is he on the team?  Probably the influence of Larussa.  Probably because of G-Money's "good guy" status (Tigers are circulating a story that he "mentored" Avila.  Skip the crap, no one cares.).  Probably because he already had a nickname from Rod and Mario.  Trust me, the last reason is a big deal.  Good nicknames are hard to come by.  All I know is, I have to deal with watching him all season every 5-6 days.  He better not be Fister's personal catcher (you know, kind of like Wakefield used to have with Mirabelli) or Fister is out of the running as My Tiger.  In fact, I'd like to add G-Money to the list of My not Tiger.

To add fuel to the fire, my uncle likes to pretend that G-Money is his favorite player.  Here are some of his recent Facebook statuses (stati?): 

G-money should see some good pitches with cabrera,fielder,and young behind him.

g-money should be able to steal 20-25 bases this season if jim gives him the greenlight

best selling book in lakeland is 'what i think about when i think about hitting' by G-money.

this year its..when G-money hits for the cycle bring the boxscore into arby's for a small curly fry.

baseball signed by verlander, cabrera,and fielder=$100. add G-money signature=$1000

G$ has a list of baseball's unwritten rules

 

Yes these are real.  My uncle is hilarious but reading these is giving me heartburn.  Oh, and he was arrested after getting in a fight at an NBA game...classy.  Down with G-Money.

Beefy arm

When I go grocery shopping, my list is pretty generic.  Yogurt, lunch meat, cheese...no name brands in sight.  Whatever's on sale.  Today I had a mission.  Find the cereal that would make me the ultimate starting pitcher.  I'm talking about Justin Verlander's Fastball Flakes!  I didn't want to leave the store without them.  First stop, cereal aisle.  Not there!  Second stop, middle aisle between the food and the garden/clothes area.  Not there!  At this point I could see my dreams vanishing before my eyes.  No Rookie of the Year.  No MVP.  No Cy Young.  No 4 time All Star.  No one beefy right arm, just like Trogdor the Burninator (see image below):

Then, when all hope was lost, I found them!  They were in the middle aisle facing the flowers and clothes where no one walks!  In truth, the only reason I was on that side is because it's the path I take to get back to the front of the store.  Why would you hide your best merchandise?  Isn't that the number one rule of marketing?  Put the valuable goods in sight?  Also, can't tell you how much they are because I don't think my cashier rang them up.  This means a 100 MPH fastball... for free!!!  Just owning the cereal made me so fast that I almost ran over 2 engineers in the parking lot with my shopping cart.  I ran the forty meters in 1 minute...is that fast?  I didn't even cough like Zoltek on Little Giants.

I like how the 's' on 'flakes' covers the olde English D to make it more generic.  It also kind of looks like a rally babushka (that's another story).

This is kind of hard to read, but it says, "Guaranteed to increase strength, tone, and endurance of throwing arm.  Throw up to 10 MPH faster!" 

This website on the back of the box is pure gold: plbsports.com.  I had no idea that these were the makers of Flutie Flakes!  Everything is coming together for me!  My favorite product is probably Dustin Pedroia Black Bean Salsa.  Any Kurt Warner fans?  The Warner's Crunch Time shirt is only a dollar!  Can you say "collector's item?"

 The best part?  Some profit is donated to benefit the VA Hospitals in Detroit, MI & Ann Arbor, MI.  That's probably the best selling feature and it's not even listed on the box!  Go JV, Go veterans of MI, and Go me!

I smell a problem

I know that home runs are a big part of what bring fans to games.  People love the long ball (that's what she said).  While I appreciate a good home run, there's no drama in a home run.  A single up the middle with a runner on second...now that's drama!  Is there going to be a throw to the plate?  How fast is the runner?  How good is the outfielder's arm?  How is Gene Lamont going to ruin this for us today?  You know that part about Lamont is true.

The past couple of days, all I've heard about is home run production in Spring Training games.  Cabrera, Fielder, Raburn, Head...the Tigers scored 18 runs the other day!  This is a headline today from the great Peter Gammons:

Tigers plan a lot of driving ... balls over fences

Does anyone else sense a problem?  Comerica is not a home run ballpark.  Sure, guys like Cabrera and Fielder don't have an issue driving the ball out, but I hope the rest of the team knows about playing small ball.  I've seen many balls die at the center field warning track with Rod saying something to the effect of  "In any other park, that's out."  There's the rub.  This isn't any other park.  This is Comerica.  Best to learn to love rather than fight against.

Tickets and games

Obviously my last post was female directed.  That happens sometimes.  I have to sit and listen to men talk about all sorts of things (especially work).  So basically what I'm saying is quit your whining before I have to call the WAHmbulance.
Yesterday, Tiger tickets went on sale.  I remember a simpler time when we could call ticket master or simply go to the stadium to get our tickets.  Now, we are greeted with this:

Is there anything more exciting, thrilling, and annoying as the virtual waiting room?  That little man moves so slowly, but when he moves a box...watch out!  This year I wasn't trying to get opening day tickets, so I wasn't as emotionally invested.  However, when World Series tickets went on sale, I was invested with my entire metaphorical life savings.  Sister Tigress and I had 3 computers going and had them triangulated for optimal viewing.  The advantage of buying those tickets was that they sold them on a weekday morning when most suckers are at "work."  Advantage Tigress.  We succeeded in buying tickets and it may have been the single most exciting moment of my life.  I had knots in my stomach for days.  Then the Tigers lost.  I suppose if I wouldn't have gotten the tickets they would have made it.  Good thing about sports, there's always next year.

So, the Tigers started playing their Spring Training games yesterday.  Now that reporters have actual games to report on, let's see what they are saying...

Head displays power for Tigers

That's right, reread that again.  Jerad Head has been living in the minors and various teams for six years and the Tigers signed him to beef up their Triple A line up.  (Really?  I didn't know we did that.)  All I see in this guy is potential.  Ya, ya, he hit a home run yesterday as a DH, but I'm thinking name potential.  To have Fister and Head on the same team...the possibilities are endless!  Sorry Dirks and Clete Thomas, you guys are off the team for a guy with more "potential."

Side note:

"The entire Tigers 40-man roster is now under contract. The team agreed to terms on one-year contracts with Al Alburquerque, Brennan Boesch and Daniel Schlereth. The remaining three unsigned players -- Alex Avila, Doug Fister and Austin Jackson -- all had their contracts renewed by the team."

One word- Yay!  This is great news, but let's make sure to sign BBoesch to a more lengthy contract come next winter, ok Dave?

And we can't have a game recap without a headline about In-Gee

Inge passes early tests at second base

Yup, you will be hearing about this for the next month.  Might as well come to terms with it.  I have.  But then what happens after?  Then do I have to hear about In-Gee accepting his role as an "every position" man?  Or get weekly updates on his status at 2nd?  Why haven't we heard as much about the fight for the outfield positions?  Those are important too.  I'd say Jackson is the only guaranteed starter.  Delmon still has to prove himself.  Same with Bboesch.  Are we ignoring all other positions?  Guess so.

Prince collects two hits as Tigers top Braves

Last one for today.  Here's what I'm really interested in.  Will the big money, off-season trade really be worth it?  Please oh please yes.  Nine years is a long time to commit to anything (insert joke about Kim Kardashian's wedding lasting 72 days).  The Tigers aren't the Yankees.  I don't want them to be the Yankees.  No one likes the Yankees.  If you do, I don't like you.  Yankees sign players to contracts and expect big things.  Then good players (ARod) seem like mediocre players because of all that money.  Old Dave obviously doesn't subscribe to the MoneyBall philosophy.  He must not be a Brad Pitt fan.

The Hottest Men of Baseball 2011: American League Edition

Usually I don’t do research for these blogs.  Let’s be honest, 3 people read them and I pay 2 of those people.  I usually just read something or think it and then start typing.  It’s not rocket science or brain surgery.  You never heard someone use “blog writing” when making an analogy about a difficult task.  But this time was different.  This was personal.  This is my War and Peace.  It’s so life changing, that it needs two parts.  I hired three undergraduate statistics students to do facial symmetry measures and perform telephone surveys.  This isn’t a topic you simply start typing about.  This requires thought, reflection, and time.  I was able to give it two of those (see if you can figure out which two!).  Also remember, this is my opinion.  But I'm also the one with her fingers on the keys so...suck it!  I may also start to sound like Paris Hilton with all the uses of "hot" and "sexy" but trust me, this too will pass.  So without further ado…

The Hottest Men of Baseball 2011: American League Edition (Pitchers to come later; also 2011 because these were their teams/positions as of last year)

Catcher- Surprisingly, the most attractive men to me were catchers.  I'm thinking it's the mask, or the squatting, or the pads.  The jury is still out.

Boiling Point (AKA the Winner)- Joe Mauer (Twins): I've thought this for a long time.  In fact, he may have inspired this blog entry.  He's so tall, but so natural at being a catcher.  It's counterintuitive and sexy.  There, I said it.  Please, baseball gods, don't move him from a catcher.  I feel part of his allure may be gone if he moves.

Sizzling (AKA 1st runner up)- Jarrod Saltalamacchia (Red Sox): Long last name's are sexy.  Also, he has a very "boy next door" quality.

Fever (AKA Honorable Mention): JP Arencibia (Blue jays), Alex Avila (Tigers), Lou Marson (Indians), Kurt Suzuki (Seattle)

1^st base- A disappointing lack of hot.  Although not on the list, it should be noted that my cousin once called Carlos Pena a "sexy Mexi."  It's not offensive because she just didn't know better.

 

Boiling Point- Justin Smoak (Seattle): Subtle cute.  Plus with the lack of hot at 1st (this is where the "big boys" of baseball live), he's the best I could find.

Sizzling: Mark Texiera (Yankees)- Personally, I think his neck is too big.  Or his face shape is wrong.  Something is a little off.  That being said, the maker knew what he was doing when he put this one together.

Fever: Miguel Cabrera (Tigers)- That's right.  You didn't misread that.

2^nd base- These guys are usually quick and agile.  Desirable traits in a mate.

Boiling Point: Ben Zobrist (Rays)- To be fair, this picture was probably taken 7 years ago.  That being said, when I searched him on Google and saw this I thought, "Ding Ding, we have a winner."

Sizzling- Ian Kinsler (Rangers)- He reminds me of the "rebel" from high school.  The scruff and shaggy hair work here.  I'd love to see him in a pair of sunglasses...

Fever: Howie Kendrick (Angels)

Shortstop- The captain of the infield.  Nothing better than a man who is in charge.

Boiling Point- Derek Jeter (Yankees)- This is probably going to be the only instance, but this is the man that "won" the first time I ranked players based on looks.  Ya he's a little older, but I think he's aged well and will stand as a great baseball player of our time.  Plus he's a Michigan native and gives back to his community (Turn 2 foundation anyone?)

Sizzling- Elvis Andrus (Rangers)- One word: Sunglasses.  Also doesn't hurt that he shares his name with the King.

Fever- JJ Hardy (Baltimore)

3^rd base- They call it the "hot corner" for a reason.  Winky face ;)

Disclaimer- This Tigress will not stoop to picking ARod.  We can, and will, do better America.

Boiling Point- Evan Longoria (Rays)- Best part of the Rays being in the playoffs last year?  Getting to see Longoria on network television.  In fact...he gets the Sizzling title too.  That means two pictures.

Fever- Jack Hannahan (Baltimore)

Left Field- It should be noted that it is difficult to break apart the outfield.  Just look at the All Star balloting.  They don't even make a distinction between each position!  In theory, 3 center fielders could make the starting line up.  That's another rant for another day though.  I did the best I could and only placed purposefully once...

Boiling Point- Brennan Boesch (Tigers)- You did it Brennan.  I'm so proud of you.  I'm guessing you'll play a lot of right field this year, but the stock at left are U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi.  Since we already saw the picture of him in his sunglasses (thank you Mr. Sun), I've picked another gem.

Fever- Josh Hamilton (Rangers)

Center Field- As John Fogerty would say, "Look at me.  I can be center field."

Boiling Point- Jacoby Ellsbury (Red Sox)- Maybe one of my favorite names in all of baseball.  Is it Jacob-y or JA-coby?  No one knows...ok, maybe his mom knows what she intended.  Thanks for the name mom, and the hot, hot genes.

Sizzling- Curtis Grandson (Yankees)- We miss you Curtis.  You were someone we could bring home to mom.  Charitable, a good ball player, and awesome looking.  Come back (small tear).

Fever- Peter Bourjos (Angels)

Right Field- Rounding out the field, literally and figuratively (in my heart).

Boiling Point- Nick Markakis (Baltimore)- He has a tendency to look a little awkward, but in the right light it's all good.  Plus, his last name is also awesome.  If I married Nick, I'd insist our first born was named Mark.  It'd be the moral thing to do.

Sizzling- Ichiro Suzuki (Seattle)- This is a long time coming.  He may have been on the original list as well (scientists have yet to unearth it).  At the 2005 All Star game, I chanted his name with a lively group of Japanese fans.  I bought a shirt with his name on it.  When he "slaps" the ball, my heart skips a beat.  If only I could find a picture of him in sunglasses...Oh wait, never mind!

Fever- Torii Hunter (Angels)

 Pitchers are a whole new adventure.  Stay tuned for them and the National League list!

Treasures of the search:

The hotter the guy, the higher on the list inquiries for his girlfriend or wife are on the google suggestion search.  Nice to know I’m not the only lady wondering.

I was immediately drawn to most guys wearing sunglasses.  I’m thinking a mandatory sunglasses rule for MLB is coming.  My petition for the high socks rule has been in their hands for quite some time.

I also ran across some not so hot guys.  I smell another blog post.

A lot of guys look like goobers for their official team pictures but look better when caught off guard.  Teams need to hire professional photographers.