If you are a child of the late 80s and early 90s, then you know there's no super group better than New Kids on the Block. You weren't cool unless you had books, bed sheets, T-shirts, and buttons with the faces of 5 man-boys named Danny, Donnie, Joey, Jordan, and Jon. It's not that this song is bad. This song is down right horrible. Take a gander:
Ho, ho, ho, oh, little train, my little elf, another great Christmas.
Ah, man, it's boring, it's boring, same thing every year,
so let's have a funky Christmas!
Have a funky funky Christmas, have a funky funky Christmas.
New Kids On The Block, let's rock, it's Christmas time.
We're gonna celebrate it with a rhyme.
Danny D, are you ready? - Ready as I'll ever be
Steady - you know, Joey Joe is ready
Jordan and Jon, yeah, come on, we got a funky, funky Christmas going on.
Have a funky...
Funky Christmas and a funky new year, I swear we got ourselves a party here
Girls on the floor knows our posse at the door
Should I stop - nah cool - here's more of this song, a funky Christmas melody
'cause Jordan K feels so Christmasy
Throw your hands in the air pause, kick the ballistics Santa Claus
Have a funky...
Sneaking downstairs on Christmas Eve
I saw a sight that you just wouldn't believe
St. Nick by the fireplace dusting off his head with a frown on his face
He said hay - said what - he said you - I said what
He said you left the fire burning and I burnt my butt
so now I've learned you've got to turn the fireplace down
so Santa won't get burned
Have a funky...
Have a funky...
Slipping and sliding through the city streets
I'll be in town getting down to the Christmas beat
it's Danny D I'm here with Christmas cheer
no feeling to end the party of the year
it's going I'm showing fresh rhymes I'm throwing
it's snowing outside but we ho-ho-hoing
Santa's on the way, sleigh bells are ringing, swinging, everybody start singing
Have a funky....
It's Christmas, can you swing this?
Funky, dope jam top on your Christmas list, do you dig this?
Boy, there ain't no twist, just something you wish for and you almost missed huh
Funky Christmas and a Happy New Year, how could you be booing it
with Donnie D doing it?
Have a funky....
Ho, ho, ho, this is the MC Santa Claus and my elf little Joe
Yeah, merry Christmas, merry Christmas, we gonna kick the ballistics
of our Christmas wishes.
He's the thing... you can't try and be gangsta by rapping and then have the worst word you sing be "butt". It just doesn't match. 5 guys from Boston don't exactly scream "funky" either. I'm looking at you, Marky Mark. Whoever gave the Wahlburg boys the idea that they had street cred, you just ended up on the naughty list, my friend. When I want to hear a Christmas song that makes me feel cool and awesome, I listen to this song because it really puts things in perspective.
Those NKOTB bed sheets were sweet though.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Monday, November 24, 2014
Banned
Today, I'm not highlighting a song. Rather, a singer of songs who really doesn't have any business singing Christmas music. When I listen to Christmas music, I want hot cocoa, fuzzy socks, and snow frosting my window. I don't want hip gyration and overdone vibrato on E-VER-Y SY-LLA-BLE. That's right, I'm talking about the King. Elvis Presley. The worst offender? Blue Christmas.
I'll have a Blue Christmas without you
I'll be so blue thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won't be the same dear, if you're not here with me
And the when those blue snowflakes start fallin'
That's when those blue memories start callin'
You'll be doin' all right, with your Christmas of white
But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas
Usually, the word "I'll" has one syllable. Somehow, Elvis turns it in to ten. The sad ladies moaning in the background don't help his cause. I think he also had a bet with his manager to see how many times he could say "blue" in the last line. Only the first three notes of this song have to play before I turn it off. If I want to party in a jail cell or serenade Michelle Tanner about her Teddy Bear, I'll go with Elvis. Nothing about Elvis screams mistletoe and sleigh rides.
Even though I picked Blue Christmas, Here Comes Santa Claus could have easily been my pick. It's equally as horrible and Elvis somehow makes his voice even lower than usual. It's like he knew he was singing crap and was just trying to milk it for all its worth. Make no mistake, I love me some Elvis...on a rainy April day.
I'll have a Blue Christmas without you
I'll be so blue thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won't be the same dear, if you're not here with me
And the when those blue snowflakes start fallin'
That's when those blue memories start callin'
You'll be doin' all right, with your Christmas of white
But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas
Usually, the word "I'll" has one syllable. Somehow, Elvis turns it in to ten. The sad ladies moaning in the background don't help his cause. I think he also had a bet with his manager to see how many times he could say "blue" in the last line. Only the first three notes of this song have to play before I turn it off. If I want to party in a jail cell or serenade Michelle Tanner about her Teddy Bear, I'll go with Elvis. Nothing about Elvis screams mistletoe and sleigh rides.
Even though I picked Blue Christmas, Here Comes Santa Claus could have easily been my pick. It's equally as horrible and Elvis somehow makes his voice even lower than usual. It's like he knew he was singing crap and was just trying to milk it for all its worth. Make no mistake, I love me some Elvis...on a rainy April day.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Headed for Divorce
Today's song is I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus:
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought I was tucked
Up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white.
Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!
First of all, this mom is kind of a hussy. I mean, does she go for older men? Is she like Adam Sandler's first girlfriend in Big Daddy? Does Santa have a more appealing five year plan? Not only is she kissing Santa, but then she tickles him too. Kissing can be taken any number of ways. Maybe she's French and it was one of those one cheek, two cheek, quick on the lips deals. She'd easily be able to explain that to the kid. But no, then she goes and tickles him. Not easy to explain that away. "Don't worry, Timmy. Mommy was just brushing some crumbies out of Santa's beard." Not even a kid who still believes in Santa is going to buy that one.
The kid can't help what his mom does though. We can't choose family, only the sauce on our chicken wings. However, he didn't need to laugh thinking about his dad catching her in the act. Do you want your parents to get divorced? Is that your end game? Mom and Dad making passive aggressive comments every other weekend. "Oh sweetie, you look three pounds lighter! Isn't your father feeding you!" You think it's all extra presents and double the birthday celebrations until you're at home with a sitter while Daddy is out shopping for a new Mommy. Do yourself a favor, kid. Don't tell Daddy about Mommy's little indiscretion. It's doubtful that Santa is on Mommy's "list". You'd save your parents loads of money in legal fees and they'd be together for at least one more Christmas.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peek
She thought I was tucked
Up in my bedroom fast asleep.
Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white.
Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night!
First of all, this mom is kind of a hussy. I mean, does she go for older men? Is she like Adam Sandler's first girlfriend in Big Daddy? Does Santa have a more appealing five year plan? Not only is she kissing Santa, but then she tickles him too. Kissing can be taken any number of ways. Maybe she's French and it was one of those one cheek, two cheek, quick on the lips deals. She'd easily be able to explain that to the kid. But no, then she goes and tickles him. Not easy to explain that away. "Don't worry, Timmy. Mommy was just brushing some crumbies out of Santa's beard." Not even a kid who still believes in Santa is going to buy that one.
The kid can't help what his mom does though. We can't choose family, only the sauce on our chicken wings. However, he didn't need to laugh thinking about his dad catching her in the act. Do you want your parents to get divorced? Is that your end game? Mom and Dad making passive aggressive comments every other weekend. "Oh sweetie, you look three pounds lighter! Isn't your father feeding you!" You think it's all extra presents and double the birthday celebrations until you're at home with a sitter while Daddy is out shopping for a new Mommy. Do yourself a favor, kid. Don't tell Daddy about Mommy's little indiscretion. It's doubtful that Santa is on Mommy's "list". You'd save your parents loads of money in legal fees and they'd be together for at least one more Christmas.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
The Christmas Season
I've just completed my second full body workout of the day, thank you Mother Nature, and it's only 11:26 AM Eastern Standard Time. Snow in mid November will do that to you. That's right, nature is my personal trainer. You know you live in the Midwest if your arms get mysteriously big while the rest of you stays the same every winter. With the snow and the shushing and the general merriment, it's enough to put anyone in the holiday spirit. With that in mind, I'll be highlighting some classic Christmas songs and carols that maybe shouldn't have stood the test of time. I'm all for holiday cheer, but I draw the line at ridiculous.
Our first song is "I'll Be Home For Christmas"
I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents by the tree
Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
Buzz kill alert. Where's the merriment there? First off, some requests are reasonable to make of your family at Christmas time. Mistletoe, presents, maybe even a cookie or two? Fine, your mother is more than happy to accommodate. But asking her to provide snow is just plain cruel. You know she's going to be hitting up Menards for their fake snow and plastering it to your childhood bedroom window in hopes of making your dream come true. Try not to be so demanding, you mama's boy.
The real kicker is the ending though. It's such a nice sentiment to want to come home for Christmas and experience the nostalgia of childhood, but then to drop the line of "If only in my dreams" at the end is ridiculous. This might be the most depressing Christmas song written before 1950. Now there are loads of depressing Christmas songs to please the Grinches and Scrooges of the world, but this may have set the standard. What a Debbie Downer.
Our first song is "I'll Be Home For Christmas"
I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents by the tree
Christmas eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
Buzz kill alert. Where's the merriment there? First off, some requests are reasonable to make of your family at Christmas time. Mistletoe, presents, maybe even a cookie or two? Fine, your mother is more than happy to accommodate. But asking her to provide snow is just plain cruel. You know she's going to be hitting up Menards for their fake snow and plastering it to your childhood bedroom window in hopes of making your dream come true. Try not to be so demanding, you mama's boy.
The real kicker is the ending though. It's such a nice sentiment to want to come home for Christmas and experience the nostalgia of childhood, but then to drop the line of "If only in my dreams" at the end is ridiculous. This might be the most depressing Christmas song written before 1950. Now there are loads of depressing Christmas songs to please the Grinches and Scrooges of the world, but this may have set the standard. What a Debbie Downer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)