Gabby Cabby

I have to admit, anytime a Tiger player goes on Intentional Talk with Kevin Millar and Chris Rose, it's usually a very pleasurable thing to watch.  Tiger players like to have fun anyway but they loosen up even more and are usually hilarious.  Miggy is no exception.  Take nine minutes and give it a watch here, then come back for a minute.

First, let's all just admit we are impressed with Millar's Spanish so he stops throwing in random words and then translating them immediately.  Ok, done.

If there's one guy who understands how he plays the game of baseball better than anyone else, it's Cabrera.  I love that he can judge what type of pitch he's getting and then try and place it based on where it would be easiest to hit it out.  You'd think the baseball took minutes to reach home plate each time instead of the seconds it really does take.  Also, the key to getting Miggy out is to throw balls on all sides of the plate and then up.  No wonder it's difficult to strike Cabrera out.  The control and skill needed to do so is difficult to achieve.

What kind of TV shows do they broadcast in Miami?  They look crazy!  I love that the hosts try and dis VMart and Cabby turns around and throws it right to Brayan Pena.  Sounds like a party with Hunter, Pena, and Cabby would be highly entertaining.

Don't worry Cabby, we've all tripped over things that weren't really there.  Usually, I try and play it off like it didn't happen, or pretend to start and run (like Ellen advises).  Your idea is genius though, to pretend to be hurt so that people feel bad about laughing.

I don't know if I can replicate how Miggy says Verlander, but I think it should be the socially accepted way of pronouncing it.  I say VERlander, Miggy says erLANDer.  Will erLANDer ever get a hit?  We can only hope he'll redeem himself sometime (WS maybe?).

How can Princey Pie not like his look-alike?  The sincerest form of flattery is imitation.  Take it and be grateful!  Plus, that guy is a dead ringer for him under the circumstances.

Correction, the best party would be Pena, Cabby, and Pablo Sandoval, the Panda himself.  I wouldn't mind doing the salsa with any of those guys.  Miggy's right, the girls dig it!

I remember Verlander's comment that Al was the ugliest player.  I think it's possible that Miggy is just trying to get a rise out of JV with the ugly comment.  With pants as tight as his, there's no way he's the ugliest.  I don't' think the choices they gave were exactly good ones though.  They didn't even mention anyone from the bullpen (Benoit anyone?).  That's where the ugly lives.  Nice to know that feet-wise, Miggy takes the cake.  Personally, I think all men's feet are kind of gross.  They don't need pretty feet.  Fred Flintstone feet get you from point A to point B so that's all that matters.

OK, the new plan is for Panda, Pena, Miggy and myself to go fishing on his yacht in Miami, hold the fishing for me.  I'll bring the salsa and chips.  Let's leave Chris and Kevin out of this one.

Thank goodness none of these Tiger players are smoking with Smokes.  Need to keep the fitness up.  Sounds like the second-hand smoke levels are pretty ridiculous in the tunnel though.

What is Cabby doing with those hips!?  No wonder he has sore hips.  Kevin Rand needs to put a nix on his dancing until November.  Shakira's hips don't lie, but Miggy's hips are moving like an 85 year old woman with osteoporosis.

Back to school special

Summer is quickly coming to an end (although the heat and humidity would have us believe otherwise in Michigan).  Soon, the buses will be out, the kiddies will be eating Pop Tarts and strapping on their new Tiger backpacks, and parents will be doing the happy dance.  As part of our back to school excitement, I'd like to briefly address a topic that I think is becoming more and more relevant for professional athletes and children alike.  Concussions and brain injuries incurred during sports.

Recently, Avila went on the special concussion disabled list due to a foul ball to the head (he seems to catch more of these than the average player).  His ear even bled, which is disgusting and the worst place for blood to come from...except maybe the eye.  Eww.

MLB started running cognitive tests before the season as a baseline to compare results to when a concussion is suspected.  I feel like this year there has been an influx in catchers that have been put on the concussion DL due to the differences in these tests.  Eight catchers have been put on this DL this year, including Mighty Joe Mauer himself.  Mauer's teammate and the other half of the new M&M boys, Justin Morneau, has also had difficulty with concussions in the past and spent an extended period of time off the field.

Personally, I think these new protections and precautions are wonderful for professional athletes.  They also serve as a great example for children to show that head injuries should be taken seriously.  Unfortunately, the same precautions are not taken with children and teenagers.  Young athletes often ignore signs of concussions and are pushed back into games because coaches and parents aren't sure what to look for.  What major league sports should do (not just MLB, but the other professional sports too... NFL, NHL) is make an effort to educate the general public on the signs and symptoms of concussions.  Health care providers should also make the baseline tests performed by MLB more available and affordable so the comparison tests can be run.

In the interest of education, here are some signs of a concussion, with particular attention to children:

• Trouble thinking/remembering including not retaining new information or feeling fuzzy
• Headache
• Nausea/vomiting
• Dizziness
• Sensitivity to light/sound
• Feeling tired or sluggish
• Difficulty with balance
• Change in mood, including being easily upset or angry
• Nervous/anxious
• Sleeping changes, including sleeping more or less or having trouble falling asleep

Concussions, especially multiple or severe ones, can lead to permanent damage in the form of traumatic brain injuries (TBI).  TBIs can have lasting effects to any part of the brain function depending on where the injury occurred in the brain.  The message here is that TBIs are preventable and it's wonderful that MLB is taking an active role in keeping their players safe.  The next step is to keep our young, amateur athletes safe as well.

Now, get out of the way so I can get down off this soapbox and watch the Tigers!

Coke head

No place has proven more dangerous for Tiger veterans than the Detroit bullpen.  First to succumb to the rapid downfall was Papa Potato.  While I've never been his biggest fan, Potato head had a great year last year until the playoffs.  He quickly went on a downward spiral and has been banished for all eternity (I'm saying this with conviction, Dom).

Newest victim of the great in 2012, horrible in 2013 is Philthy Phil.  No one can forget his role as closer in the ALCS championship game.  He was dominate in the playoffs and stepped in when the potato got fried.  Sadly, his numbers this year have been less than stellar.  He's got a 0-5 record, 5.00 ERA in 36 innings, only one save in three opportunities, and an opponent average of .281 against him.  Ouchie.  Every action has consequences and in this case, Phil's dismal performance has him optioned to Toledo.  I'm sure once the roster expands, he'll be back up, but let's hope he comes back with some mojo.  Bring the swagger back, Phil!

This is the picture next to the word "mojo" in the dictionary

Dom did make a smart move by bringing Jose Alvarez back up from Toledo.  In the few starts he's had with the Tigers, he's proven that he can hang with the big boys.  His MO is usually that he cruises for several innings and then has one disastrous inning (Ryan Raburn anyone?).  More exposure to major league hitters will only be good for his ERA and confidence.

There's one problem with this scenario.  Alvarez is a starting pitcher and he's being thrown into the bullpen.  Starting pitchers and relievers are two different kinds of folks (think of JV and Brian Wilson...different, no?).  Alvarez should buddy up to Smyly and get some tips from him.  Drew has somehow adapted to the bullpen although it's CLEAR he's a starter.  I'm sure loads of players sacrifice and change for the sake of being in the bigs.

On a completely unrelated note, word is that Cabby had some lower back pain (or in his abdomen, or leg, or wherever) at the end of the game last night.  Even clearly injured, he's still the best hitter in the league.  Let's give him some nights off though so Miggy can make it to the playoffs without a hip replacement or a walker of some sort.  Get better soon Miggy...and Infante!

Greater than

In elementary school (a place I call home), kids learn two very important symbols.  Greater than is represented by > and less than is represented by <.  We tell the children to think of the symbols as alligators, and alligators always want to eat the biggest number.  Gluttony is also taught in elementary school.  Let's take these two symbols and play a little game.

Dirty Dirks batting 2nd > Donnie Kelly batting 2nd

Vmart's batting average after the All Star Break > Princey Pie's average after the All Star Break

Vmart's first half batting average < Vmart's second half batting average

Pena's aggressive helmet throw > Avila always getting hit by foul tips

Smokes as a manager > Lamont as a manager

Muting the television > Listening to any commentator talk about baseball instant replay

Miguel Cabrera healthy > All other players in the league and half the players in the Hall of Fame

Miguel Cabrera with a sore hip/abdomen > All other players in the league

Miguel Cabrera with a sore hip/abdomen and a bruise on his shin > All other players in the league

Miguel Cabrera with a sore hip/abdomen, a bruise on his shin, and a sore knee > All other players in the league except possibly when legging out a possible triple

In summation, Miguel Cabrera is ridiculous.  He currently has the agility of Gene Lamont, yet still manages to hit the living daylights out of the ball and play third base consistently.  His only weakness?  I'm thinking kryptonite.

Busy weekend

Well, um, actually we have a pretty nice little weekend.  We're going to play five against the Royals.  Yeah, play two Friday, maybe have a reliever pitch, stuff like that.  Maybe finish out with Saturday and Sunday, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

In summary, things are going to be a little busy this weekend.  Kevin Rand better have the ice bath ready, because there's no way Miggy can play five games this weekend.  The safe move would be to have Miggy play Thursday, Friday night, and Sunday afternoon.  That would give him enough rest where he can still swing the bat with authority and hobble around the bases sufficiently.  Infante has been good since he's come off the DL, but he'll need a game off as well.  Avila is on the 7 day concussion DL so he's not a reliable player.  

The Tigers are limping through August and limping through this weekend.  Good news is that the Tigers have Monday off.  A day off is in the extended weather forecast, hope is on the horizon.

Vegas diversion

While the Tigers have been on a mission to take no prisoners and show everyone who is boss, the Tigress spent a little time in Vegas.  There was plenty of opportunity to check in with the Tigers at sportsbooks and through the wonder of smart phones.  Maxxy even won me $6.25 on his game the other night.  If you follow me on Twitter, then you know I've been keeping a close eye on my Tigers.  Although the Tigers have broken their win streak, they still are playing dominant baseball and always keep things interesting.

My great idea for the Cleveland/Detroit rivalry when they meet one last time over Labor Day weekend?  Have both ultimate utility men play all nine positions and see who the true victor is.  The one stipulation is that both men have to pitch to each other once.  The two men in question are of course Donnie Kelly of the Tigers and Ryan Raburn of the Cleveland Raburns.  (I'm still in shock that Raburn pitched a one-two-three ninth inning.  Perez, Pena, and Tuey should be ashamed of themselves.)  Maybe Smokes could call up Francona and suggest this idea for the next series.

On to the Vegas diversion.  There is no place in the world like Las Vegas.  Continual drinking is encouraged, appropriate clothing is optional, and walking in cheap flip flops like a duck is ubiquitous.  While in Sin City, I made a list of the best jobs and the worst jobs in Vegas.

Best jobs in Vegas
The lady guitar player during the Michael Jackson One Cirque du Soleil show.  Basically she just wails on the guitar while people do ridiculous dance moves and flippies behind her.  She's hardcore and she knows it.

A bartender at a fancy hotel bar like the Vespar at the Cosmopolitan.  We stopped for a mid-morning drink (Vegas people) and had a nice conversation with Jamie from Chicago.  After bantering a little about football and hockey, talk turned to baseball.  He admitted to being a Cub fan, but said he wanted more for his daughter (who wouldn't?).  I told him to buy her a Cabrera shirt and change her life.  He told me that Miggy would be the next one exposed for taking PEDs.  Excuse me, Jamie?  You couldn't be further from the truth.  I tried to tell him about Miggy's approach at the plate, his hips, his hands, his feet, but Jamie wouldn't hear it.  We made a plan to meet up in 10 years when he'll buy me a drink for being wrong about Miggy.  I'm already thirsty just thinking about it.

A window washer at a big hotel.  Basically, these guys have a harness and get to rock climb down the building washing windows as they go.  It looked like the thrill of a lifetime all while getting paid.

DJ for a show.  All these guys do is get the crowd pumped before the main act comes out while people are finding their seats and trying not to spill popcorn.  This takes skill because you have to read the audience and decide what will play the most.  Should you play Sweet Caroline?  Or is this a Sexy Back crowd?

Worst jobs in Vegas
Girls Direct to You card distributors.  Mainly the worst is when older women are passing out the cards.  Really?  Do men actually take cards from you?  Because if someone resembling my grandmother tried to hand me a card so I could hook up with a girl, I would be a little turned off.

Drink girls at Paris.  The outfits that the Paris hotel makes these ladies wear should be outlawed.  They resemble a Parisian prostitute from 1940.  Most of the look extremely uncomfortable and who can blame them.

Elmo or Cookie Monster on the Strip.  These people put on giant, furry costumes during the noon sun in August and take pictures for tips.  I don't even want to know what the inside of those costumes smells like.  At least the guy dressed as Thor wasn't really wearing pants, so he was probably cooler.

Men's bathroom attendant after chili dog and beer specials.  No further explanation needed.


One more thing about Vegas (or any big city for that matter).  There's a new term sweeping the nation and it's "pumpkinhead".  Here's the Tigress definition of "pumpkinhead" (all one word)- noun- the term for a tourist who stops in the middle of a sidewalk or road of a big city to look up at a big building.  Example: "Hey, pumpkinhead!  Move to the side if you are going to stop and gape at the same building for five minutes."

For Scherzer

One of the best things about going to the Tiger games is getting to meet new people.  At Christmas in July on Wednesday, we met a great new friend, Larry.  Larry has been an usher at Comerica Park for seven years and has a great little terrace section along the third baseline.  His job is pretty cake.  We talked to him for several minutes, mainly because he was a friendly guy and I was with three attractive Tigresses.  The subject came up of the starting pitcher for tonight's game: Max Scherzer.

Maxxy is a free agent at the end of this year and there's no question that teams will be lining up for a chance to sign him.  I hope one of those teams will be the Tigers.  Only problem is, the money is stretched a little thin with the recent big contracts with Verlander, Cabrera, Fielder (that was only last year), and even Sanchez.  Is there room to pay Maxxy the money he's earned this year?  Let's hope so.  Maybe Ilitch could cut the budget a little bit with the Red Wings.

My new friend Larry suggested that Verlander give up some of his money to help re-sign his friend Maxxy.  My response?  Dream on, Larry.  There's no way JV is going to give up his guaranteed money to sign a pitcher who has been outshining and outplaying him this year.  No matter how good of friends they are.

While the Tigers have an outstanding pitching staff this year, there's no doubting one truth...Maxxy is the most intelligent pitcher of the bunch.  While it can be tricky, and he might get in his head a little, you can't discount someone who analyzes the game from every angle.  He's not just a pitcher, he's a leader for the entire diamond and every pitcher on the team.

So, start fundraising and stretch the purse strings a little.  Max For Scherzer needs to be re-signed (see what I did there?).  Plus, have you seen Maxxy's new Tigers promo?  It's pretty awesome.  Let me give you the gist:
Maxxy: Kids always ask me why I have one blue eye and one brown eye and I tell them it's like being a Tiger fan...it's something you are born with.

What did I tell you?  Genius.

Day off

Today is the second day the Tigers have off this week.  Let's take a look and see what each player will be doing on his day of leisure.

Torii Hunter- This one is easy to figure out because he told everyone yesterday in his postgame interview with Shannon Hogan.  He will be laying by the pool...naked.  Obviously, Torii Hunter has an enemy and its name is tan lines.

Miguel Cabrera- Technically, I think Miggy is supposed to participate in the dance event tonight benefiting an Autism charity (good cause), but I hope he takes it easy on all that hip shaking.  The Tigers have 18 straight games after their day off today, including a double header with Kansas City in mid-August.  Maybe Miggy could just dance the waltz or the foxtrot and stay clear of any cha-chas or rumbas.

Prince Fielder- Princey Pie is finally getting fitted for his chin strap on his batting helmet that he so clearly needs.  In fact, Princey pitched the idea to another high flying hitter, Bryce Harper, yesterday and he already has one definite customer.  I smell retirement fund, people.

Justin Verlander- JV will be having an all day eat fest looking for a suitable alternative to his Taco Bell meal he eats before every game.  The ladies of Christmas in July decided that 30 is just too old to be eating Taco Bell on a weekly basis and expecting your digestive system to just adapt.  Suggestions for new meals include: a nice salad topped with ahi tuna and plenty of tomatoes, a grilled chicken breast and grilled vegetables, or baked salmon with some roasted red skin potatoes.  Hey, no one said getting old was fun, Justin, but if you want those pants to keep fitting like they do, I'd lay off the Taco Bell.

Alex Avila- AA will be hitting the batting cages today in hopes that the off day doesn't ruin his back-to-back game home runs.  He'll need to practice whatever swing it is he found to be ready for tomorrow.  If we are lucky, AA might just climb above .200 by this time next week.  He hit the .200 milestone yesterday and I think we all breathed a little sigh of relief.

Drew Smyly- Not only did Smyly get to catch the first pitch from Shane Battier, Detroit born basketball player and part of the current NBA championship team the Miami Heat, but he also caught for the man himself...Santa Claus.  Drew will take all day to construct his thank you letter to Santa and start on his annual Christmas list.  On the top of the list?  A spot in a starting rotation for a MLB team.  Hey, the kid deserves it.

Rick Porcello- After the devastating loss of Ricky P's wingman, G$, he will be test driving a new wingman in the form of Brayan Pena.  Ricky is counting on Pena's effervescent smile and ability to sprint around the bases following a home run to really bring the ladies in.

Jhonny Peralta- He'll be finding a new hobby because he'll need something to occupy his time for the next 50 games.  It's going to happen.  Don't appeal.  Take it like a man and do some community service in your down time.

Jim Leyland- He'll be spending his day in uninterrupted smoke heaven.  Sometimes, when Smokes comes out to argue with an ump, I wonder, is he just passionate or does he want to spend the rest of the game in his office smoking three packs of cigarettes?  I bet it's different answers on different days.

Jose Iglesias- He'll spend the day semi-unpacking and getting acquainted with his new digs.  He'll receive house visits from Rod Allen (who will bring him a bag of Scott's turf builder), Jose Veras to talk about being the new guy in Detroit and also having the same first name, but he'll turn down an invitation from Hunter to come over for a swim.  Iglesias is a young kid with a lot to prove at the shortstop position on the first place team in the ever lukewarm AL Central.  I'd suggest a nap too, just to prepare yourself for the next 18 games.  I'm sure you'll see some playing time.

Days off are the best.  Be sure to enjoy it, boys.