There's a new (fictional) commercial circulating in Tigressland that's putting the Tigers' bullpen to good use.
Mario: Hi, I'm TV's Mario Impemba. You may know me from such great things as broadcasting for the "Halos" and Tigers, and also being best friends with my buddy here, Roderick Allen.
Rod: False, and unless you are my mother, you will refrain from calling me Roderick.
Mario: Gotcha. Anyway, I'm here to talk about a very important issue today: heart health.
Rod: Right you are, partner. Whether you're a big fella or a little fella, Lady Heart Disease knows no difference.
Mario: It's true. No one seems immune, except maybe Brookens. That man is fit!
Rod: He must hit the gym quite a bit, just like JV did when his velo was down...that's velocity.
Mario: You do know it's not slang or an abbreviation if you have to explain yourself every time? That is just really defeating the purpose.
Rod: You're just jealous of my mad skills at turning the spoken word.
Mario: We've strayed a little from the topic at hand. Heart health. 4 out of 5 doctors recommend starting an aspirin regimen, and we are pretty sure that last doctor was too busy downing his half pound bacon burger to really listen to the question.
Rod: I know when I'm watching the Tigs in the 8th and 9th innings, my ticker falters every once in a while. I mean, even when Benoit seems to pull out the save, he still leaves things up to fate. Mother Nature should have got the save last night when Swisher fell on the wet dirt rounding third.
Mario: No argument here. So, trust the aspirin that more sports announcers trust: Tigernol.
Rod: Because folks, it's a long season. You don't want to be caught with a bad seed in your chest or a stinky piece of cheese.
Mario: Right you are. The Tigers all use Tigernol (consult your doctor before beginning an aspirin regimen. The Tigers resume no responsibility for your health. As always, don your rally caps for best results.)
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