My Not Tiger

To every Yin is a Yang.  To every high is a low.  To every Ernie is a Bert (we all know he's the worse out of the two of them.  Who collects bottle caps anyway?).  So while Fister/Avila/Peralta/Santiago could be My Tiger, there's also the competition for My Not Tiger.  He's the one that when I see the line up posted before the game, I groan if he's in it.  When he comes to bat, I go refill my drink or empty my bladder.  When a ball comes at him in the field, I cover my eyes or speak to the deity in the sky.  He's bound to be on the "Not Top Ten" multiple times during the season.  He's the bane of my existence.  Here are the Tigers in the running this year:

Ryan Raburn

He's pretty much owned this title for the past 2 years.  I've been known to call him Suckburn.  At Comerica, he's the only player with a country song, but not just ANY country song.  He comes up to bat to "Hicktown."  He gives all the white players on the team a bad name.  I would say Suckburn had the WORST play of last year when he knocked a ball (that would have fallen on the warning track) OVER the fence.  Really, how is that possible?  It's too ridiculous to be false.  What gets me though is that whenever you think he can't get any worse, he does one good thing and people think he's "redeemed" himself.  Come on.  I hate to use this reference, but it's like a woman in an abusive relationship.  The man shows up with flowers once, and she's convinced he won't hit her again.  You can't fool me Suckburn!  You may be able to fool the dim witted engineer, former frat boy, or even Jim Leyland, but you can't fool me.  You're on watch.

Delmon Young

How is it that everyone has forgotten that he threw a bat at an umpire in the minor leagues?  It should be noted in the picture above that Delmon isn't pictured...just his bat.  To me, it's like when Craig Monroe stole that belt in the off season.  I can't forget about it.  He could blow at any minute.  He didn't even yell at the ump before he threw it!  He was calm!  I'd hate to see what he'd do if he was yelling and going all "Rod Allen" on someone.  Not only does he have this working against him, but he's almost guaranteed to "lose" a ball in the lights whenever a pop up comes to left field.  He may be worse at fielding than Suckburn.  (It should be noted here that Suckburn can't make routine plays but occasionally makes SPECTULAR plays while Delmon is just overall horrible.)  It also doesn't help that he's a Young and I was never a fan of Dmitri either.  I've been known to phase out whole families because of the actions of one...

Jose Valverde

It's hard to pick just one pitcher out of the bullpen to despise, but Valverde is a pretty obvious choice here.  He is far too similar to My all time Not Tiger...Todd Jones.  In high school, I hated Todd Jones.  He is the opposite of what a closer should be.  He'd come in with a 2-3 run lead, get it down to one run, bases loaded, and then get the batter out.  Thanks Todd.  I had high blood pressure and a heart condition in high school that no one could figure out.  Funny thing was, it went away once you were no longer a Tiger.  Ok, back to Valverde.  He's Jones-esque for creating more drama than necessary.  Plus he's too flashy.  I appreciate a ball player who goes out, gets the job done, and minds his own business.  Although Ty Cobb was a great player, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have liked him had I been around when he played.  Why?  Attitude.  Valverde, there is NO need to dance, fist bump, or yell on a nightly basis.  I'm all for Tiger wins, but let's be honest, every night is not the World Series.  If you celebrate every night, it just makes the big ones feel less important.  I thoroughly enjoyed celebrating when Valverde got the last out against the Yankees last year to advance to the ALCS, but if I did that every day I would be exhausted!  Not only that, people would think I was an ass!  So my point...Valverde acts like an ass.  Whether or not he IS an ass has yet to be seen.

So those are my three options, Suckburn, Young, Valverde.  The one advantage of My Not Tiger over My Tiger is that you CAN change midseason.  We never know, I could pick anyone listed above and midseason, Clete Thomas could prove to be worse than all three of these.  Then I would be allowed to switch.  I don't think you can switch back though.  That'd just be selfish.